there's a bleep in every story.

2007-05-10T03:01:00.000+08:00

just to say,that it has been good. for now. for the past three years, or has it been even longer than that?

but it's time to move on.

to breathe, to change.

i'll email you loves when i've decided as to where to shift too

mobocracy has been good. but no longer.

jya

328

2007-04-16T10:24:00.000+08:00

i feel like i am missing out on something incredibly important and that what ever i need to know about that one important is at the tip of my fingertips but i just can't seem to grasp it. at all. my heart's beating really strangely and i am looking forward to tomorrow, to see what sip will bring. i'm just beginning to feel scared shitless but i'm taking deep breaths and practising positive thinking. i just need to do something right now. and i totally want to cancel driving but i know that's not possible at all. and i just want tomorrow to come so that i can get it over and done with. oh god, help me through this. i hope your first day at work started just fine! insya-allah (:

327

2007-04-15T21:39:00.000+08:00

god i can finally breathe because the week is finally over. and sip starts on tuesday and i seriously have no bag. i take comfort in the fact that hopefully, probably i wont really have to wear formal formal and that jeans are acceptable. i saw a gorgeous bag but it was like wow, expensive. yip left this morning and i still think that she's in singapore. you better like what we did for you yip! loves you loads too XD i hope she reached wherever it is in china she's suppose to be in safely (:

i feel like i neglected parts of my life that used to be so important and dear to me. now it feels like a duty that has to be carried out, and not something that i used to enjoy doing. what is the matter with me? i dont want them to think i'm taking them for granted but i feel like i'm growing more distant as the days passed by. it's not easy to be all happy and cheerful, again, i feel like a fake. and i have this mean streak in me that sometimes makes me think twice about what i say or do. i'm thankful, truly of where i am and i really dont want to take it for granted. i dont know, i dont know. i just feel tired of being positive for everyone, i feel like lashing out sometimes, but i know i'll feel guilty and will regret it afterwards. it's not worth it to lose something that important over a feeling that last for the maximum of two seconds.

maybe k8 will cheer me up and put me back into fangirling mood. i seem to detest the internet these days, i really dont know what to do with it. it seems like a waste of time.

wild hogs cheered me up no end. the entire theatre was just laughing and laughing at the bunch of middle aged men going through a mid life crisis. but seeing them on the bikes, on the open road, makes me long for that too.when i finally have my license and am able to drive to nowhere. just to go with the flow, wind in my hair, okay maybe tudong and great company. or music, it doesnt really matter.

and studying overseas will be a dream come true. awesome friends, new environment, completely no adult supervision XD i'll work towards that and all of you should too!

very soon a new chapter is yet to start, and the holidays are ending. i hope the next six months will be rewarding and that sip will end without any major disappointments, insya-allah (:

and just a recap, of what i did for this week for my own amusement

mon- chong's place
tues- chong's place, travelled one and a half hour to adam road to find out that they do not serve crabs
wed- spent another one hour plus on the bus to get to punggol to go to cousins house which is by far the most ulu place ever. i received a mail from STM-WELCOME for goodness sake.
thurs- was piano at one, driving at four, trip to library
fri- movie with lovelies. goodness takuya kimura was good in love and honour! one of the best period love dramas ever. dinner at swensens.
sat- work, $28 for four hours of giving out flyers. awesomeness. early lunch, KELVIN FOR THE WIN. XD midnight movie with family.
sun- yip left *must be positive, feels tired and then goes emo* NO LAH. YIP HAVE FUN K! to quote tjan ILUSM2U

god i'm beat, on another completely random note, this afternoon, after madrasah, at the bus stop, this boy that i usually take the bus with and have no idea at all as to who it is, made such an abrupt move to allow me to go up the bus first. it was completely out of the blue and so random! but it was nice of him to do so.

LUCK FOR SIP LOVES!

hamburger for the win too!

2007-04-02T00:17:00.000+08:00

GRRROOOWWWLLLSSSSSSS

wham bham, thank you ma'am

so we're all pretending that nothing happened and i'm thinking WTF DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THOSE EMOTIONS FOR? ARE WE GOING TO COME TO A CONCLUSION? ARE WE GOING TO LET IT BE? WHAT WERE ALL THE TEARS AND FEARS FOR THEN? WHAT WHAT WHAT?! OH GOD I'M ANGSTY.
blame it on fucking pms.because i feel like a god damn fake and my earphones are spoilt, again

_{because a simple thank you or saying good job would have made me happy}

*breathes*

325

2007-03-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

just to take a moment to breathe and to digest it all in.

you see, i know stuffs are going to happen soon enough and it did. she's looking at the bigger picture while i'm worrying on how we are going to survive day by day. but right now, we're just discussing, options, what can be done. nothing has been finalised, not until he's back. and that hopefully, god, that we will know the truth, and decide what to do next. because right now, to me, i've lost all sense of respect. i guess this is it. what he did was painful. to me, to her, all of us.

i realise that i've always been very dependent on others. time to stand on my own two feet and to see just what can be done. because, really, happiness does not last no? i see an old couple walking in the street hand in hand, her arms linked with his and i smile to myself and think, how lucky.

i guess we had our share of happiness, shit happens. but we'll survive, insya allah.

time to start pretending that everythings okay.

_{i dread him coming home next week}

shhh, everyone has a secret.

324

2007-03-20T01:46:00.000+08:00

i feel like writing a long meaningless entry, just full of rambles and confsuing sentences where no one, let alone myself will be able to understand. it's been ages since i wrote something meaningful, with depth and come to think of it, have i ever managed to reach that standard yet? anyone and everyone can be a journalist, she said but a part of me still wishes to think that yes, that is true, but only a handful can make it as one. i dont know if not working as a journalist for sph or mediacorp is a good thing or a bad thing. the most important thing is to go there with an open mind, and to tell myself that this is all for the experience. that i have to do good, to get a decent grade cause this work thing is going to take up six months of my third year. which is why i dont really feel that bad for being such a bumm. i figured i earned it, considering the stress that all of us went through a few months back. but sitting here, being idyll, reading fics, watching videos, i realise i kind of miss the busy-ness of it all. the panick of not being able to complete assignments in time, the late nights, the bitching and moaning and cursing and now, it's all over. very soon poly life will end, just when i thought i still have ages to go. it's scary, changes, but it's time to face challenges head on.

each time, before driving, i'll mutter a prayer, cause it helps to calm my nerves. i'm always nervous when i'm behind the wheel, but i'm feeling more comfortable with it now. it's strange to see people driving and think that omg, i can actually do that now. syukur. driving is very liberating.i feel, somewhat, independent. and it's addictive. i still have problems with turning the car though but i'm getting there. i really do want to pass on the first time round because i really want this. it's something that i've wanted. to be able to drive and i do hope i can achieve it. insya-allah. i think i'll be an ok driver XD (tjan, stop laughing <3)

the weather is humid, you know, the stickyness that you feel just before the rain starts. there's no movement at all, no wind, so everythings just stagnant and i feel sticky. but at the same time, it feels cool. but there's no wind, and that's slightly frustrating because i have no fan in my room. and i want that $2 umbrella from daiso at plaza sing. i dont know why, i just want it. it's adorable and i want it in yellow.

pucca the fish pretzel with chocolates in them. it's crunchy but it makes me feel slightly sick after eating them. i worry that my laptop will one day give up on me then i will have to find a replacement. that my nano will die on me too and these days, i'm entertaining thoughts of going jogging with just me and my nano. and you and i know that that is not ever going to happen. if only there was a private place to jog though, around here. i've been thinking of routes but there are just too many people. i miss opera. i miss the quietness of it all. no aunty and uncle kara-o-king, no screaming children, no incense smell, being able to walk outside barefooted. it's not so much the issue of space, cause the flat is quite roomy as it is, but it's just, i dont know. i'm attached to it. the leaking roof, the plastered walls, my purple couch. but i'm slowly thinking of here as home too, and i'm sure that if the time comes for us to move, i'll be missing this place too.

because for some reason, it feels comfortable living here. i dont feel awkward, i dont feel uneasy. it's peaceful. i feel safe, despite geylang being just a street away. but i could do without the mosquitoes though. freaking blood sucking monsters.

i wonder how it is that she is able to write so poetically, it's like, it comes naturally. i guess it depends on your personality, just how you view the world and sentences just appear like that because she is like that. because it's her, it's her own brand of writing. see, i admire it so much that sometimes i fear that i am trying to be like her, and that is not what i should be doing. i should be trying to find my own writing style, one that i'm comfortable with and one that reflects just who i am. it's quiet here.
so i've been struggling, to put pen to paper, to jot down random thoughts and ideas and hopefully, these will not be in vain. practice makes perfect no?

there are so many things that i want to do, but these are all in my head. i need to make an effort to actually realise them; to get my butt down in front of the piano and play my heart out, to design the ppt for madrasah, to write. i dont want to lose my ability to write. it's something that i've always held on to. i dont want to lose that, i hope i wont. _{and maybe, who knows, i'll start on jogging too}

i'm 18 already, it's time to do something that i can be proud of.

323

2007-03-19T01:29:00.000+08:00

GAAAAHHH

okay, first up, results are okay. syukur, especially for radio and the gpa went down but i'm all okay. the past week has been madness. i think i went out everyday. mon was dinner with may and wanqi, tues was meeting yip and tjan, wed was out to catch a movie with arafah and sha decided not to come at the last minute, then thurs was with the cousin and we watched 300 which is utter awesomeness and i ate two fast food meals, which is not good, then fri was lunch with yip and then dinner and outing with my aunt and hannah and also, my dad flew off to indon. and then sat, thank god was stay at home day and ta-dah, it's a sunday and i slept the entire day and i wonder if i'll be able to sleep tonight.

monday is driving and so the cycle starts all over again. i'm feeling more confident about driving now, but it still scares me a bit. but i'm getting the hang of it.

AND I'M GETTING EMO OVER STUPID JYANNIS. no good, no good at all. and i'm pissed that the eng subs for the dvd is out though i'm not sure why! gah. it's great to hear news though, i just hope that the cd i ordered from cdjapan actually contributes to the freaking oricon charts! i just want my package to come. oh the shiny!

322

2007-03-14T15:08:00.000+08:00

you know what makes the world go round?
milk, milk makes the world go round.
not love.

drink more milk, yo *kon*

i'm anxious for the results, yet, am pretending not to care. i wish the sms will come already. end my fear. please, god. *growls*

i heart pride and prejudice to bits and pieces. i truly do.

*loves*

meeting up with old friends lagi best. it's the best feeling ever. you feel comfortable, you feel like you've known them for ages and you can laugh and say anything silly or/and stupid and they'll make fun of you but you know that they've always got your back. i heart my friends *cookies to all*

OI TJAN, *beams*

i use this ** too much.way too much.

321

2007-03-12T09:35:00.000+08:00

this is seriously bad, i think i'm an internet addict! and it is freaking me out. all day, i'm in front of the comp and i would be doing nothing except for reading fics, talking to gwynn or chatting over on msn. i'm leading such an unproductive life. but then of course,for the next six months, i'll be working my ass off so better take this opportunity no? dad doesnt understand what i'm doing in front of the laptop and keeps asking me to sleep, but i think he will more or less give up on it already.

holidays so far, so good, results in the next few days. fuck, i hope i'd do okay.
driving is seriously fun! and my instructor is quite cool too, despite him screaming at me before. but it was all good and i managed to drive and yes, no pedestrians/cats/lamp post/rubbish bin was knocked down. i was just making rounds though in the carpark and because i was always turning right, the moment he asked me to turn left, i panicked! and i got honked! by a lorry driver! stupid ass, can't you see i'm LEARNING! wah seh. but he made me go on to the road, but thank god i did not stall. test date is on the tenth of august and i hope hope hope i can at least get an off day or something *crosses fingers* and if i pass, i'll be driving before my 19th birthday! YAY! accomplishment, totally. insya-allah.

320

2007-03-08T00:27:00.000+08:00

i think tjan and chong will want to kill me right now. i honestly did not know that my home desktop had the trojan virus. went to plug in my disk drive into the desktop and then onto the lappie and then they plugged in their stuffs into the lappie and i think they got it too. truly sorry. gaaaah
i'm worried too, cause i hope they'll be able to get rid of the virus. ra just did a virus scan on my disk drive and deleted the file. so i hope it'll work fine for them too. technology hates me. truly.

but my laptop has been reformated now. so all's good and clean inside. thank god for ra who did most of it cause mr lim was on mc. *throws daggers* then the people at the cyber centre installed a virus scan for me also and he expects me to download some more, which i will do in a while. maybe tomorrow.

319

2007-03-05T21:01:00.000+08:00

i swear there is no other right time to kill myself then right now.
because, the story goes like this. i.e was killing me, it was shutting down just oh so often and it always always always occurs when i am in the middle of downloading something. which is why after six attempts, i have yet to manage finish downloading the sc subbed episodes which gwynn has been flailing about. there's toma! and news! and kattun! and k8! and omg, i'm such a fan girl. *kills*

so i went to download mozzilla, and feeling like a smart ass,tried to delete ie. but then ie's deleting process screwed up halfway. then, i realised that mozilla cannot at all, by no means, attempt to download files from CLUBBOX OR MEDIA FIRE. but it works fine for sensdspace. why must technology hate me? so i tried to reinstall ie but to no avail. at all. i tried a gazillion times, i tried to restore the computer. i restarted the computer for so many times that i swear it would just break down on me, but thank god it didnt. i heart my lappie. so now i am tempted to tinkle with ie just one last time but i know i shouldnt. i just hope that the amazing tech people in school will be able to do something about it. *prays*
if not, no CLUBBOX FOR ME AND I WILL DIE. SURELY DIE. because it means no more subbed files, no more gilmore, no more HYD no more JE. i have to rely on ss and that's not working half the time! so i hope! and i am so tempted to add in if there's a god out there because of course there is one! that the tech geeks will be able to fix this for me. lesson learnt. thou shall not, at any time, try to delete a microsoft component *head bangs*

on the other hand, CHONG ZHENG YING YOU SUPER POWER LAH! XD
that sleepy girl managed to entertain me for quite a while last night! i heart going out with her cause we end up making so much noise and then i'll be laughing like no body's business and half the time, i'll be screaming at her. she's also my fireworks buddy! yay! (:
and last night we had such an awesome spot! except for the couple in front who was trying to take pictures of themselves with the fireworks as a background *rolls eyes*
so we got there early, hanged around with randy who was working as an usher and listened to some groovy chinese music. the guy had such an amazing voice, if only he was taller or handsomer. then the fireworks began and as usual, fireworks are just awesome. i like the loud sounds the most. where each boom just makes your heart beat slightly faster and it leaves a ringing in your ears. awwweesooommmeeeee.

then the show ended and then we hanged around with randy some more while the band played a second set. it was a repeat set though. there was a guy who could beatbox and of course i thought of my red lego peace! XD
had zy take a picture of the beatboxer too! halfway he started singing "i'm bringing sexy back and then there was i'm a ssslllaaavveve for youuuu"
and then! there was this old apek who i swear looks just like mr pok who was dancing this weird para para dance moves! he was grrooovviiing! but it was like, stilted dance moves. he must have been paid by esplanade or the band to do that short dance! halfway he looked like a chicken dancing though.i applaud him though, for his courage!

then then then, we hanged around some more while waiting for randy to finish and then we caught bits of a world without thieves. it was slightly ridiculous though and halfway, andy lau's wig flew off! then it started to get all morally and it was a bit painful to sit on the pavement caused we watched the show when it was already showing halfway. (ok long sentence!)

we left because i didnt want to miss the last train back and bought a super expensive muffin but it was blueberry and it was warm but i could have just kicked that server! wah lau, luckily i'm nice. *growls*
and then! because the streets were almost empty, i made zy and randy play the
"cannot step on the dark parts of the pavement game" but zy gave up halfway because she's lousy. so after minutes of lunging and jumping, i had the brightest idea to run for the traffic light when people behind us were still strolling! and that girl actually beat me! lousy. oh wells. i cant believe i ran. haha! that was so stupid! but i had so much fun! and it was awesome to just let loose after so looonnnggg! i heart!

and then hopefully tomorrow, i have my ie and clubbox back and then we're going to watch letters! like after so long and mise restocked! and i have ryo's painting like yeesssss!!! and it.is.beautiful and the pv is out! and it is such lovvvvveeee!!

first driving lesson is on friday! at 11! i'm abit apprehensive but we'll see how it goes! yay!

and ta-da! painting! i'm obsessed with it. truly. <33

i swear i sound so high!

318

2007-03-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

a new month begins yet again. it's march already. in february, i thought that 07 was going to be a bad year. there were way too many ups and downs and it was only the second month of the year. what will march bring for me? seeing as how it is the holidays, nothing too dramatic i hope.

my head hurts. i think it is about time i get some sleep. somethings wrong with my browser because it keeps shutting down by itself. prease dont do this to me.

i have to say that this has been bothering me for quite a while. the thing is that, i cant completely immerse myself in just one world and forget the other. the key is to find a balance, a right balance that will prove condusive for me, that will work for me so that i am firmly in check with reality. that i dont get too caught up. cause when you get too caught up, then you tend to forget the very basic fundamentals. the very core of what it is that is you, what it is that you first wanted to achieve.
i mean, change is all good, but do not expect others to change too. each one is entitled to their own opinion, you cannot force yours down their throats.
it's not fair. you have to listen and to hear what the other party is talking about. you have to know when you've overstepped the boundary and you have to know when you need to back down and respect that person and if need be, to say sorry. get what i mean?
we are only here for a short period of time. ultimately, it is what you have done here that will protect you and save you later on. i have to remember that.
but if you forget the basic fundamentals, then what is the point?

317

2007-02-25T16:11:00.001+08:00

i feel like i am this close to murdering someone. THII IS SERIOUSLY DRIVING ME CRAZY
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

316

2007-02-22T23:08:00.000+08:00

because sometimes, things do work out in the end.
thanks ra, much love <33

isnt it strange, i was all prepared for the worst, talked to arafah and felt calmer, felt ready to face whatever it is that will happen next and then the next thing i know, things are all ok. but i can't help but feel that something else will happen soon enough. i'm glad that things are ok, but i find it strangely, anti-climaxing.
i should be shot for saying that.

as it is, i just finished reading a super nice akame fic, though it is super long. i should start on my writing samples too. and studying for ccc. fucking useless topic.

*crosses-fingers for interview tomorrow*

315

2007-02-21T21:03:00.000+08:00

i know, i know, i should be studying for ccc. buuuuttttt
i really dont feel like it.
maybe i shall read through the notes. yeah. that's something (:

i dreamt that me, tjan, yip and tiffany from sec school were learning the dance from arahshi's kitto daijobu. *faints*

2007-02-20T21:21:00.000+08:00

it says alot that i turn to watching shiny je pretty boys to lift me up from my foul mood. of course, having a crazy girl who think it's hot just because a guy can speak malay and the fact that he should be called STAR chatting with you online also helps too. i love my friends.

313

2007-02-18T19:08:00.000+08:00

surfing around makes me feel like a complete bum. then i come across an eljay with beautifully taken shots and i feel like an utter failure and wished i had half thier talent. then wishing i had a camera and that i could go on a photo spree. but of course, this thoughts rarely last that long. but they come and go as they please. i have to stop and remind myself to stop wanting to be them, that i have to be myself, to feel happy with the way i am, and that there's always always room for improvement. that it's no use fealing envious(because jealous is just too ugly a word) and that i have other hidden talents, or so i like to think. deep breaths and then attempts at actually doing something. the grade is still haunting me.

i'm getting used to the house. it's been a week already but stuffs are still in boxes. it's hard to do things when i have no idea where to put my belongings. what to do. i hate the fact that happily ever after might not acutally exist and i'm scared to death. who on earth likes to be told to "expect the worse" just remember that you are not the only one, that you have two children to speak off.
i hate this. i hate this. i just like the illusion that we might be a perfect little family, though the bitterness inside, not many will know about. i want to share but i guess, for the time being, this piece of news will be locked up and hidden away. in the meantime, i'll prepare for the worse.
i secretly though, will hope that things will work out in the end. as the always do.
insya-allah.

312

2007-02-16T22:41:00.000+08:00

i have to say that the sem ended in a very bitter bitter note. it's still hard for me to come to terms that i actually failed an assignemnt. failed. big time. F. and he dared say i failed by a few marks. like fuck, just give me a d or something, not a fucking f. terribly upset but of course the greatest group of friends tt i can possibly have cheered me up. sorry though if i screamed and emoed for awhile. it's just so hard to believe. like wtf, F. never before in my poly life did i think i would actually fail something. i mean yeah sure, you say it, you ponder it and you wonder if you would actually fail but you do not expect to actually fail. my grades this sem are all over the place. i mean even for broadcast, i was terribly upset about it. twice this week i ranted and raved over school work. it's sad cause no matter how hard i tried, i just can't seem to do well enough. and the added pressure to make it to a local u is not helping much. i'm just afraid for mep right now. i don't want to fail anymore. i feel like such a loser, seriously. but deep breaths, trying to see the lighter side of things. i still do pass overall, but though with not such good grades. i still have other things to worry about, but until then, sigh. this grade is going to haunt me forever. F. fuck it.

dinner tonight at popeye's was a treat! it's great to know that they're always there. XD loves and kisses. i know you love me! <333
i still want to know where it is in the damn airport that i can actually see the runway. i love planes. i love the feeling they give me. i like the fact that this heavy piece of metal is able to fly so high. but i'm always grateful each time the plane lands. it's like, thank god, flat ground. i'm truly trying to make myself feel better, but it's so hard. thank god i dont have to take radio. else this would just have broken my heart. this is the last for radio as it is. just have to work harder for year three then. no regrets. truly. i dont want to regret. as it is, i'll just enjoy my holiday before the craziness that is sip begins.

311

2007-02-05T02:46:00.000+08:00

and i can't ask for more. much love. the house is as important to me as it is to the both of you. (i think XD) countless memories and events, birthday celebrations and sleep overs. baking cookies, lighting candles and most importantly, hanging out.

my life is ruled by boxes. what was once a room is now nothing but an empty space. shelves are cleared, candles are packed, books are stuffed into boxes. ten years of my life squeezed into one big box, four plastic casing and bits and pieces all over.
it's only for a year. insya allah.
i'll miss this house, definitely, cause my dad literally rebuilt it by himself.it might be peeling and dying and cracking but it still is a sturdy roof over my head. i feel safe here. this house has been through so much, has seen us grow, oh, if only the walls could speak, imagine the stories it would tell. i hope things will still remain as it is when i get back here after a year. to think that by next week, new tenants will be calling this house their home. there's just way too many things to pack into boxes. but it's ok, here's to another adventure ahead. (:

310

2007-02-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

because because because, this week has been awesome, alhamdulilah. truly truly. <3

passed final on the first try, which is like a miracle considering i only studied like an hour before the paper, sat for so long trying to figure out the right answers. so now i am able to drive drive drive! can't wait for that, though i fear for the people on the streets and the other drivers.

our filming editing was like, fast. just laid down the music and things just sort of placed themselves accordingly. was slightly freaky and i secretly think that the music makes it sound like a suicide commercial.

watched babel which is not like what i expected it to be. a whole load of stereotype and beautiful scenery shots. i still think the japanese part should have been taken out and it could have concentrated more on cate blanchett and brad pitt.
i think that cate blanchett is awesome. i like her icy cool demeneaour and her mindset. she's different, she's very pretty in an icy blonde way and i heart her. i'm going to watch all the movies that she did. or at least try to.

wed was sph test day. horrid horrid horrid. how to write 500 words, edit a paper and summarise an article and do a close passage in the span of two and a half hours? crazy. and we had to bring our own pen some more. cheapskate. i can so cross straits times off my list now.

when i make loads of money by being a journalist, i'm going to buy myself a house and live like they did in the sixties.

ccc day. tried valiantly to start ccc. got as far as writing down headlines. which is a start. never have i ever felt more proud of tjan also. <3
it's also the day where i felt the most broke. i felt so poor, but when i reached home, i heard great news. got the loan from dad to start my driving license to!
i so have to give him like a months pay. i hope that's all that i would have to spend on driving.

had dinner with lovelies. enjoyed the time spent. the food was yummy delicious. i treasure moments like these. i so can't wait for next week and the week after next!
and the most important bit of this week was actually doing well for radio.
am totally proud of my radio group. though there were screw ups, as always, we managed it didnt we! *dances around*

i'm moving out asap. tenants will be here by the tenth, which is next week. will be mad packing till then. i'm going to miss this place, truly, no doubt about it. ten years of my life, but it's time to move on.
i'll get used to it. in the mean time, just have to bear with the slight inconvenience. at least the holidays are coming soon.

two weeks more! XD

309

2007-01-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

finally the week is over. i cannot believe all of us survived through three deadlines in a single week. never before have i rushed out so much work. 2 thousand words in one day, a stupid 30 second video plus 2 thirty seconds radio commercial and a 4 minute long radio feature. feels proud.
not to mention that i survived a death of a close teacher too and a test from mediacorp.

but i am somewhat doubtful over my video. i hate the fact that though you spent like a whole week or 12 hours straight on it, it looks like something which you can churn out in like 2 freaking hours. and seeing the videos of others just makes you even more depressed. and it does not help that it's like thirty percent of the course grade too. just like how the i.a for broadcast is like 50 percent worth. have i mentioned that i'm scared shitless. i'm so afraid. seriously. i dont want to flunk, i dont want to repeat. i want to get a decent grade and leave.

seriously, this past week has been a test on my patience and tolerance level and also, how much stress i can handle. based on this week, ihave to say i handled it pretty well. but it finally crashed on friday.

please do not expect me to juggle so many things. there's only so much crap i can handle. i've been home by ten this past few days and i have no time for the house, let alone myself. holding me responsible is not fair and i resent that. i totally dont dig the fact that you can just blame me for things that i am only partially responsible for. does it make you feel good to make me feel like the saddest person on earth?
i took out my anger on mom and immediately felt silly. but i cant help it. i resent the fact that i am the punching bag for everything. just fuck it all, seriously.

sometimes i dont know why i even bother.

i need a pick me up but i dont know what will work. i'm not sure right now. i'm just glad it's over and then reviewing what is to come next week and the week after next and so on. there's only three weeks left of school.

there's a limit to what i can handle and laugh off. when it comes to a point where enough is enough, dont expect me to laugh it off anymore. please do understand when i say i dont like it. i mean it. i dont mind it most of time, but seriously, try not to take it for granted. sometimes jokes can get a little old.

i just feel, frustrated i guess. i want to go away and disappear.

and i'm tired too of being the rock for everyone else. whose going to be mine? i dont know where else to draw strength from. suddenly i feel so tired.

but i'm sure things will get better, insya-allah. it helps that i've got a religion to turn too and a wacky group of friends. though it's not that big a group, i'm glad for them. for making this week slightly more bearable. XD

2007-01-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

shamelessly took this from nurul cause i think this is much love
never have i seen it better put as compared to this (:

307

2007-01-15T22:42:00.000+08:00

and so my dad bought me a ds lite, which is so much love XD but i do feel slightly guilty cause well, i don't need it. but i have it all the same so all's good. am addicted to playing mario but tjan (who now has a new best friend) said there's an even nicer version of it. oh well, i just bought what was in store in mustaffa.
i havent laughed so much in ages today and i learnt how to fold a paper crane, at least, the second half of it. origami was never my thing, though i once bought a box set of it. i realised how truly lucky i am and am very very thankful. syukur alhamdullilah. but it's times like this where i wonder if i ever come across an obstacle, it would be a truly challenging one. like my mom said, she has never known what it is like to struggle just to make ends meet and she wonders if instead of her, her children instead would suffer. that's what i wonder too. cause you can't permanently live on cloud nine. that's the scary part. so the best bet is to not take everything for granted, always always be thankful and remember that what you have is not technically yours.

306

2007-01-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

i am feeling slightly irritated these days. i dont know why. i'm happy and then sad and then happy again. it's been such a roller coaster ride, especially yesterday. receiving two c's in a day does not make nad a happy girl. but i've to remember to breathe, try not to panick, ok maybe for a little while and then move on. no point dwelling you know. so who said broadcast was going to be easy? MUST. WORK. HARDER.

sem two second term is going to kill me. what with us confirm chop no joke going to be packing and moving, i have no idea how to cope. i'm trying not to imagine the stress and take each day as it is. i keep hoping that dad will say that ok, not shifting, but boxes are appearing in the house. where will my fishes go?! i've lived here for ten years. it's not a matter of friends, it's a matter of familiarity. the house has seen a lot, been through a lot. it might be peeling, leaking, dying, crumbling but IT'S MY HOUSE. i live here. my dad practically rebuilt it. i dont want some stranger living in my room with the red walls. i'm decidedly upset over this. I DONT WANT TO MOVE. i dont know why it has to be our problem. why we have to sacrifice but mom just has to be the voice of reason. i seriously cant see the bright side of this. what if dad does not want to come back here anymore?
i dont know if i'll have space to breathe in the new, well not new, house. it's old. it has green floors. you know floors that you see in the sixties. i need my own space. i have to walk through stalls selling durians to get to the place. it's inaccessible. it's not fair.
I REALLY DONT WANT TO MOVE. i'm getting upset over it now again. fuck it.

i'm being emo so leave me alone.

aaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhh. cant be emo, cant be emo, cant be emo. MUST. BE. POSITVIE.
(and that applies to you too, ms chong zheng ying)
i just want to grumble. and mumble. ok. get over it already. sigh.
still dont want to move.

305

2007-01-01T22:48:00.000+08:00

ok so it's the new year. i wanted to post something meanigful but my brain is totally fried. internet connection is not working i hope they fix the cables soon.
school is starting soon. sigh.
the madness is about to begin.

resolution? pfffft what resolutions? i just hope 07 would be a good year too.
seriously, it doesnt feel like a new year. it just feels,as per normal. nothing significant at all. so it's a new year. doesnt feel like a brand new start to me
*shrugs*

304

2006-12-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

ok so the past few days has just been a whirlwind one way or another. so it's just a quick synopsis (i hope)

it started with monday where we had to do piece to camera again. tjan and mel came over and we went over to the field near my place to report that tampines is burning down, yet again. i swear standing in front of the camera is addictive. we just kept doing take after take after take. "want to do one more take?" "sure"
standing in front of the camera is not so bad now. maybe i've finally gotten the hang of it. same goes too for make up. i find it strangely addictive and blending the colours on the eyelids is like uber fun. but wearing liquid eyeliner is still a pain in the ass.

tues was help tjan and her group with their psa day. i was suppose to be their talent and i lugged a bag filled with clothes which can last me for three days if i suddenly decided to leave home. there were three skirts, three tops, two scarves and a baju kurung. in the end, somebody else was their talent and i stayed behind as their honorary (if ever that is how you spell the word) member. then i met the cousin and i ended up staying over at her place. it's conveninet like that. lol
flags of our fathers was uber cool. i loved the wide angle shots and the fact that heroes are not who we think they are. ultimately, they are still ordinary people, leading none to happy lives just happy to be there. they were caught in that moment and that moment only lasted for awhile. over time people forget and life goes on, just like how it always does. hopefully the sequel will be just as good.
by the time the movie ended, the last train left dhoby gaut already. i was panicking slightly but we managed to catch 7, than 28 than 38. it took us less than hour to get home and that was with the pouring rain! late nights are fun. (:

staying up late is so difficult. we watched heart and i laughed at most parts cause i was just predicting how the show will end up. it's just cheesy and i dont know why is it that people were crying so bad in the end. i mean, it's ok lah. the ending redeemed the movie but i have to say that the best friend is damn smart. you cant be with him so you donate your heart to his soon to be wife so that in a way, you'll always be with him, but not in the physical sense. and the scary part is that heart donors sometimes pick up characteristics of the previous heart owners. so does that mean he married his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time? wanted to watch alexandria but i was just too tired so i gave up. watched it at seven in the morning instead. i totally loved the second movie as compared to the first! the guy was much cuter though he was much bigger of an ass. but at least that plot was interesting enough.

much love to the cousin who is the bestest host ever! <33 cooking for me maggie and layaning my weird habits. BE WARE OF THE FULL LOAD LIFT OKAY! (:
and thanks to her, i am addicted to princess hours and the main lead. he is cute okay! no matter what zy, kaman or tjan says.

theeeennn on wed, was back to school to digitise our psa and to check time code for broadcast. went back home to crash and then stayed up half the night wathing princess hours. i am addicted to that show. i swear. gah.

i met ili on thurs to see coral sec band perform. they were ok but i was more blown away by the taman pertaling's band. they were an all girls band their sound was just much more nicer than coral! and this despite coral having more members.
watching the band play, i was reminded of sec school days where band was my life. it was a love hate relationship but i treasured the moments. our first performance and all. being the pioneers of that school, we couldnt really achieve much as a band but i was happy with the time i spent there.
i'm tempted tempted to join tp band but i know there's no way in hell that i can cope. i miss my euphonium and practicing and playing together.

finally today was back to school and then to victoria theatre to catch ra ra perform. i thought it wouldnt be so religious but i got a tad uncomfortable while wating for them to arrive. but i went in in the end and enjoyed watching ra ra dance. i was completelys shock! like wow! RA YOU WERE SUPERB! hope the rest of the performance went well enough (:
had late lunch at marina square then did super quick window shopping where i made tjan try the most ridiculous pair of high heels ever. shoes are love! i can never get enough of shoes. zy had to rush off and i hope she cures her cough soon! i cant stand hearing people laugh. on one hand, it's quite irritating and on the other, it's really quite poor thing for the person. having coughing fits is no walk in the park!

ok, so much for a short summary! heh. cookies to you if you ever made it this far.
thanks loves for the presents! appreciate it much! <33

303

2006-12-17T20:02:00.000+08:00

i like being all alone on a rainy day. it's comforting that i am here, sheltered and not out and most probably drenched. as much as i love the rain and the smells it brings with it, i crave for sunshine too.
blue skies and wind, just like the weather we had while filming for the psa. it did not rain at all on that day, cept for a short and light drizzle. took us a while to get started but alhamdullilah, things worked out fine, just like they always do in the end (:

it irks me that my post still contains grammatical errors. like hello, what is wrong with me? the strangest part is that i read and re read each post thinking that it's all fine and dandy and by the time i post it up, i've found another mistake somewhere. but it's ok. i'm never much of a grammar person anyway.

and while watching tatta, i just cried and cried and cried and cried some more a good ten minutes after the show ended. i was prepared for the tears so there i was on my purple couch snivelling and asking why couldnt they just hold on and make it work. then i re watched it again yesterday and still i cried and cried and cried. i can't help it. i remember telling may how i feel about holding hands, how it's one of the nicest sweetest things ever and seeing them holding hands for that last fifteen minutes just well, caused me to tear up. talking about may, i miss her. as much as i thought that i wouldnt get along with her, she turned out to be one of the nicest people that i have ever met. it's just too bad that we're not in touch now. but i miss her, really do. all the stupid conversations and laughter, i hope she's doing alright now. (:
but i'll be meeting the four one people soon enough so that's something to look forward too <33

you know, there are so many things that i am thankful for. the people in my life, how i live my life and the decisions that i've made that brought me here today. but still, i can never get enough. i always want that something, to be somebody else, to live in another place. i try hard to be contented but i always end up whining about wanting something else. but i guess that's natural huh. i've never really met anyone who is contented with what they have and can be so happy about it.even the rich have something to gripe about.
i guess i just have to make it work. to remind myself that there are others who are worse off than me. and that i should treasure what i have now, as cliche as it may sound.

i lost my love at twenty. that just one love, how can you lose it so soon? but as always, just as how j dramas go, there'll be a happy ending for both of them. as least, that's how it looks like from that screen cap. a happy ending to give us hope, us who live real lifes and not one that's potrayed on tv. it's dangerous watching shows like these, reading books like the one i'm reading. it gives me hope. and i know as much as you do how destructive hope can be. but it's always there. no matter how i try to lock it up, it comes creeping silently.
and i understand how you feel liking to be alone with nothing to worry about.
but treasure it while it last before the madness begins again and very soon, it will all be over.

on another note, i noticed an ad for a digital quran. isnt that crazy? cause one of the tandas of kiamat is that quran can no longer be found in the traditional book form. why cant we resist technology for just this special item? why cant we just preserve it as it is, keep it and pass it down to future generations? because as much as i hate to admit it, it's nearing isnt it. it's just a matter of time.

301

2006-12-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

and so my throat aches and thunder booms just outside. i'm afraid i'd have no voice tomorrow so i'm trying my best to quit talking, screaming, and fan girling.
the trip to malacca was ok, beautiful weather and silly jokes and long car rides. i cant wait to get my license, but really, are the streets safe with me behind the wheels?
the first night was spent in the worst possible resort room ever cause the normal place we went too was apparently fully booked. so much for dad's it's a monday, sure got room philosophy. after spending the night on the hard floor, yes, hard floor cause there was only one queen size bed which is as lumpy as can be and trying to get some sleep despite the neighbours babrbequing at eleven freaking pm, we managed to get a room at a decent hotel.
no trip to kl though but i did ask petronas if they would offer me an internship programme. i hope they reply with a response soon enough. i feel as though i'm not ready to bear all these responsibilities and going to work seems like torture to me.
i rather stay in my own little world but i know somehow sometime, i've got to step foot outdoors and venture out a little. it's just that the future scares me. i've repeated it over and over and over and over, but well, the future scares me.

often, i go to sleep thinking if i'll wake up the next morning. god knows there has been so many cases of people dying in their sleep and i wonder if what i have done here is enough. enough for akhirat, enough for people to remember me by. enough for me to truly say, my time on earth is well spent.
insya-allah, everything will be ok

i call the bestie thinking i have some great news to tell her but i find that i have none. it seems like, after six years of friendship, we seem to be running out of topics to talk about. BUT HOW CAN THAT BE?! that silly girl twisted her ankle and hahahaha, you cant tease me about falling down on flat ground now can you!
<33

301

2006-12-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm missing something but i just cant put my finger to it.
stuyding for ccc makes me want to vomit blood. only four bloody lectures but there are so many things squeezed inside! no wonder i dont pay attention during her lectures. gah.
okay, pointless entry.

299

2006-12-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

i guess the most important thing is to find yourself and to feel comfortable with who you are. cause there's really no one else to please except for yourself. sometimes you have to learn to let go and to not care what other people think of you. i think my mood swings are extremely extreme as i was super high during radio, not even scared or nervous about going on air. i was feeling very relaxed and comfortable and was like, oh what the hell. so what if you screw up kind of feeling.
then i kind of mellowed down till now. i was so anxious that i would not bleed again this month that when it came, i'm cursing the extra pimples on the face. but it's alright (:

i finally passed my basic! i took two tries but it's ok (:
my heart was beating so fast during the test,i thought it would literally pop out from my rib cage and start beating right there on the desk! so it's advance for me now! i hope i'd get it right in one try.
insya-allah.

298

2006-11-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

LOL! SHA, WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Sharifah is your soulmate.

You truly love Arafah.

You consider Wan Qi your true friend.

You know that Ka Man is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Tjan for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Arafah is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Wan Qi is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Tjan is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Tjan changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Ka Man is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Ka Man has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

297

2006-11-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

it's a rainy day. rainy days are love, but it makes me very sleepy. i was suppose to do journals once i reached home but i napped instead. and cause it was not a very peaceful nap, as in i kept waking up, i feel very tired now. but i must plough on. four journals to do. FOUR!

i had weird dreams too! i dreamt of nat, novi and selvia and arafah and ibrizah and they were having lunch in tp. the best part was that they were dressed in the awful awful sec school uniform! and i dreamt of mr erwin too! that impossibly gross teacher which i hated. truly truly disliked him. TSK.

went to buy groceries with mum and i've decided to bring packed lunches to school now. i'm amazingly broke it's scary. gaaahhh.

watching tatta just makes me go awwwwww. sigh sigh sigh. still not over it. cant wait for episode seven to be up! and it'll be over in three weeks time. nine more days left of school. that's even scarier.

time is moving way to fast.

courtesy of tjan (:

296

2006-11-25T17:11:00.000+08:00

can the weather stop being so erratic already?
hot sun, then rain, then hot sun again. it's no wonder people are getting the flu!
(read:tjan) hope you're feeling better now <333

went off to celebrate zy's and jen extremely belated birthday but jen couldnt make it in the end. ate at amirah's grill and am glad that all of them enjoyed it. should come back again next time.
on the way to bugis, there was this bastard of a man. come to think of it, we should have done something but for some strange reason, i just couldnt.i was just shocked that people like the bastard actually existed. i hope he dies a horrible death. i felt really bad. i hear stories of things like this happening to people but never thought i'd face it myself. BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD. i hope some evil disease eats up his super small dick. BASTARD. grrrr

sip talk today just left me slightly hyperventilating. six months of working and all. we will be fed to the lions! but the companies that the course is working with sounds extremely cool. i hope i'd get bates or waltdisney! gaaaahhhh. i cant believe it. it seems like yesterday when i was in year one. oh pui. here's to a new adventure.

i better start studying for madrasah as it is. grrrrr. dreamt of the boy, again. it's getting quite irritating as i already made the decision to not care anymore. it doesnt matter anymore. over it. this is quite possibly the fastest one ever. besides amin, but then, that one was already out of reach. lol

295

2006-11-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, w here you are, who you’re with and if you’re ok. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears, you need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.
.
.
.
.
.
My heart broke when I saw the woman I love turning away from me to walk down the aisle with another man, another man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. It was like a prison sentence for me. Years ahead, without me being able to tell you how I feel or hold you how I wanted to.
Twice we stood beside each other at the altar. Twice and twice we got it wrong. I needed you to be there for my wedding day, but I was too stupid to see that I needed you to be the reason for my wedding day.

-rosie dunne
By Cecilia Ahern

it's been ages since i felt so emo shit after reading a book. this book reminds me that love still exist, and that it will find you. it's just a matter of time. of fate dealing you a card that works. imagine finally being with your soulmate at fifty when you have known him all your life.
and it's the silence that counts here. not the touch, the silence. the silence where you know, it's meant to be. how can i expect less when i'm influenced by books such as this?
every one wants their own perfect fairytale, of prince charming and knight in shiny armour.

don't you think that in all that time, that if something was supposed to happen with you two, if it was so meant to be, that it would have happened by now?

2006-11-20T23:20:00.000+08:00

my eyelashes are still caked with mascara. never have i felt like an experiment before. caked half my face with this concealer, the other half with another, compare, decide, wash off and try again. the make up artist was very very patient and she was very very nice.
i had fun, and my cousin was like welcome to womanhood. bloody hell. (:

and i wished i didnt sms cause now he's not replying and now i feel stupid. but at least it's out of the system and i dont have that inane urge anymore. maybe i'll hide my phone.
I GOT MY PHONE BACK. hoorraaay. thanks to ka man for lending me hers while mine was being repaired. now it's as good as new cept that the photos are gone.

and if you're having a bad day, smile and have trust that everything will work out. i had a bad weekend too but insya-allah, things will work out. cause it always does. no matter what.
let's start over on a clean slate and hope for the best. i'll cross my finger and pray hard that everything will be ok. because things will be ok. just weather these few more weeks and the sem will be over before you know it. JIA YOU

and it's just so mind boggling confusing. if only i don't have this extra bit to worry about. i was more pissed off more than anything else and i still am. i'll pretend that i dont know what's going on. so i'll leave it as that. theres no way around it. i cant ask so the next best thing is to pretend. pretending is an art form. maybe i'll bury myself in persuasian. try to make sense of what austen is trying to say and worry about the journals too.

it feels strange that there are no deadlines this week. but we should still be working on projects and what nots. but for the time being. everything takes back seat. and i try so hard to shove it to the back of the head but there are instances where i'll rant and i'll most probably repeat it over and over again and jab my food, pretending that it's him i'm stabbing. or maybe the girl, or maybe myself for caring too much.
you knew it would somehow end up this way, you knew it.

hope is a danger. but i cant give up on it.
oh fuck it all, why so emo?

293

2006-11-20T00:25:00.000+08:00

needless to say, i am disappointed that things did not work out as plan. but hey, you lose some, you win some. i'm trying to deal with this in the most rational way and the only thing i can think of is that, at least my bill wont overshoot anymore. going out once twice, okay, i can deal with it but hello, three times and so blatantly? bull shit. that's not being nice anymore. but then of course, i might be wrong, god knows i was wrong before but i refuse to ask. because i dont want to know. if they did go out for lunch, i'll feel worse, if they didnt then i'll feel stupid so the best course is to pretend nothing happen. scrap away the episode and shelve it deep down.
it seemed ages ago when i asked if we would still be friends but well, hey ho. i got my answer no? *deep breath*

ladies nite was awesome awesome. thank god ili was there! our group was quite happening too! it was such a laugh looking at the dance and the play. it was a great event and finally, after months of planning everything is over and done for. i'm abit sad now cause there's not much to look forward for. but it was great while it lasted. kudos to the team who made it happen ((:
much love <33

i'm tired of analyzing everything and comparing and thinking back. hafalan was okay. me and naz didn't want to go but i'm glad we did. at least we dont have to go through the torture again in december. and my heart still aches just a tiny bit but it'll go away soon enough. someone else will come by, bring a smile to my face then break the heart into tiny pieces; or maybe, dare i say it, make me oh so very happy. it's okay to hope, right?

remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always

2006-11-18T00:49:00.000+08:00

lol, because i felt like it ((:

graphic

2006-11-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

290

2006-11-17T22:25:00.000+08:00

yesterday was spent with my two favouritest people in my course ((:
lol. i see you puking there tjan! admit it that you love me. hahahaha

ok enough of that. finally i stepped foot into vivo. which is, ok, i guess. it's huge and all but i preferred the outside rather then the inside. there were just alot of eating places and shops which were not open yet. i saw the most gorgeous ring though and i am tempted tempted to get it! but it's freaking expensive. the outside of vivo was all dark and gloomy but it's such a nice place to hang out! the wading pool, the freaky black thing. the best part though was THE SHIP. that was amazing. i was so excited when i saw it! it felt as though we were on a holiday and not in singapore. the weather was perfect, the company was much love. yesterday's outing made my day ((:
and the mango boost was much better then the berry though ka man and tjan preferred the latter. zy knows how to drive! i'll get you a car k! hoho

and urm, radio class just sucks cock. might as well just throw us there and let us figure out by ourselves. no point teaching if you're just going to sit there and stone. bloody hell. damn pissed off.
and things are looking up now. alhamdullilah. ladies nite tomorrow and exams the day after that! better start to memorise, at least a bit here and there. i'll just do well enough to pass! lol
IT'S THE WEEKEND! for once, can relax just a weeeee bit

i hope everything works out great tomorrow. a lot of people are counting on you k god!
<333

289

2006-11-15T12:51:00.000+08:00

a proper update because i suddenly feel like i have all the time in the world but we all know that's not true! after that bad weekend, things are finally beginning to look up! ((:
got a decent grade for the proposal, finished off the slideshow though memories is still a big worry. date with kaman on thurs on a boat! lol tjan you coming not?
phones gonna be ready in two to three days so i can happily sms once again.

not having a phone sucks cause there were times when i desperately needed to call bestie but had to wait till i got home to talk. like yesterday, and on sunday. phone conversations are now at night cause both of us can barely spare time in the afternoon. i found out more news about the boy and the girl. good for mypart, but bad for her. i admire her guts for telling, i admire him for meeting her instead of just smsing. and we were saying, he took 8 hours to reply to her sms and if it came from me, he would most probably reply in say, 8 years, 8 months and 8 days! mep lecture starts in nine minutes but i'm still home. hoho. i feel like staying home. look, weather so nice and calm.
and i wonder why is it that he said no. why give all that crap about being friends but he gave her hope by saying, who knows. yeah, who knows. but in all reality, just who am i to him? apparently he treats each girl the same way. that boy is way too nice for his own good. he most probably doesnt know it. so i dont know where i stand but as it is, let's just see how it goes.

though it's only wedenesday, i keep thinking it's the end of the week. mr time has to slow down abit cause i need to catch my breath. waking up late is a luxury. hopefully the week will pass without any more misunderstanding and tears. dad has to stop lecturing me about money and he needs to show some support. and i need to start memorising my surahs cause there's a test this sunday. oh boy, do i feel the heat.

and why is there only thunder but no rain? i want a full blown storm, complete with lightning and booming thunder. but please, let me be at home when it happens ok god (:

288

2006-11-13T12:15:00.000+08:00

i love this. got if from an e-mail. sha! you'll love it too. lol. i thought of you when i read this. (:

I used to look at veiled women as quiet, oppressed creatures -- until I was captured by the Taliban.

In September 2001, just 15 days after the terrorist attacks on the United States , I snuck into Afghanistan , clad in a head-to-toe blue burqa, intending to write a newspaper account of life under the repressive regime. Instead, I was discovered, arrested and detained for 10 days. I spat and swore at my captors; they called me a "bad" woman but let me go after I promised to read the Koran and study Islam. (Frankly, I'm not sure who was happier when I was freed -- they or I.)

Back home in London , I kept my word about studying Islam -- and was amazed by what I discovered. I'd been expecting Koran chapters on how to beat your wife and oppress your daughters; instead, I found passages promoting the liberation of women. Two-and-a-half years after my capture, I converted to Islam, provoking a mixture of astonishment, disappointment and encouragement among friends and relatives.

Now, it is with disgust and dismay that I watch here in Britain as former foreign secretary Jack Straw describes the Muslim nikab -- a face veil that reveals only the eyes -- as an unwelcome barrier to integration, with Prime Minister Tony Blair, writer Salman Rushdie and even Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi leaping to his defense.

Having been on both sides of the veil, I can tell you that most Western male politicians and journalists who lament the oppression of women in the Islamic world have no idea what they are talking about. They go on about veils, child brides, female circumcision, honor killings and forced marriages, and they wrongly blame Islam for all this -- their arrogance surpassed only by their ignorance. These cultural issues and customs have nothing to do with Islam. A careful reading of the Koran shows that just about everything that Western feminists fought for in the 1970s was available to Muslim women 1,400 years ago. Women in Islam are considered equal to men in spirituality, education and worth, and a woman's gift for childbirth and child-rearing is regarded as a positive attribute. When Islam offers women so much, why are Western men so obsessed with Muslim women's attire? Even British government ministers Gordon Brown and John Reid have made disparaging remarks about the nikab -- and they hail from across the Scottish border, where men wear skirts.

When I converted to Islam and began wearing a headscarf, the repercussions were enormous. All I did was cover my head and hair -- but I instantly became a second-class citizen. I knew I'd hear from the odd Islamophobe, but I didn't expect so much open hostility from strangers. Cabs passed me by at night, their "for hire" lights glowing. One cabbie, after dropping off a white passenger right in front of me, glared at me when I rapped on his window, then drove off. Another said, "Don't leave a bomb in the back seat" and asked, "Where's bin Laden hiding?"

Yes, it is a religious obligation for Muslim women to dress modestly, but the majority of Muslim women I know like wearing the hijab, which leaves the face uncovered, though a few prefer the nikab. It is a personal statement: My dress tells you that I am a Muslim and that I expect to be treated respectfully, much as a Wall Street banker would say that a business suit defines him as an executive to be taken seriously. And, especially among converts to the faith like me, the attention of men who confront women with inappropriate, leering behavior is not tolerable.I was a Western feminist for many years, but I've discovered that Muslim feminists are more radical than their secular counterparts.

We hate those ghastly beauty pageants, and tried to stop laughing in 2003 when judges of the Miss Earth competition hailed the emergence of a bikini-clad Miss Afghanistan , Vida Samadzai, as a giant leap for women's liberation. They even gave Samadzai a special award for "representing the victory of women's rights."

Some young Muslim feminists consider the hijab and the nikab political symbols, too, a way of rejecting Western excesses such as binge drinking, casual sex and drug use. What is more liberating: being judged on the length of your skirt and the size of your surgically enhanced breasts, or being judged on your character and intelligence? In Islam, superiority is achieved through piety -- not beauty, wealth, power, position or sex. I didn't know whether to scream or laugh when Italy's Prodi joined the debate last week by declaring that it is "common sense" not to wear the nikab because it makes social relations "more difficult." Nonsense. If this is the case, then why are cellphones, landlines, e-mail, text messaging and fax machines in daily use? And no one switches off the radio because they can't see the presenter's face.Under Islam, I am respected. It tells me that I have a right to an education and that it is my duty to seek out knowledge, regardless of whether I am single or married. Nowhere in the framework of Islam are we told that women must wash, clean or cook for men.

As for how Muslim men are allowed to beat their wives -- it's simply not true. Critics of Islam will quote random Koranic verses or hadith, but usually out of context. If a man does raise a finger against his wife, he is not allowed to leave a mark on her body, which is the Koran's way of saying, "Don't beat your wife, stupid." It is not just Muslim men who must reevaluate the place and treatment of women. According to a recent National Domestic Violence Hotline survey, 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average 12-month period. More than three women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends every day -- that is nearly 5,500 since 9/11.Violent men don't come from any particular religious or cultural category; one in three women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime, according to the hotline survey. This is a global problem that transcends religion, wealth, class, race and culture.But it is also true that in the West, men still believe that they are superior to women, despite protests to the contrary. They still receive better pay for equal work -- whether in the mailroom or the boardroom -- and women are still treated as sexualized commodities whose power and influence flow directly from their appearance.

And for those who are still trying to claim that Islam oppresses women, recall this 1992 statement from the Rev. Pat Robertson, offering his views on empowered women: Feminism is a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."Now you tell me who is civilized and who is not.

hermosh@aol.com

Yvonne Ridley is political editor of Islam Channel TV in London and coauthorof "In the Hands of the Taliban: Her Extraordinary Story" (Robson Books).

287

2006-11-12T16:25:00.000+08:00

it hurts so bad right now, i could not have learnt about the news at a better timing.
it doesn't just rain, it pours.
it'll take a while, and i'm wishing it's not true, but here's what i get when i hope and wish.
heart strewn across the floor.
i'll pick up the pieces. soon enough.

286

2006-11-12T10:44:00.000+08:00

i swear everything is against me right now. let's start with friday which was also kaman's birthday, hope she had a nice dinner which i could not attend but that's okay.
had to be in school by eight which is like, crazy. didnt bring thumbdrive so i had to re-do the audio thing all over again. then there was ad libbing which is nuts because i can't think of what to say. got kind of sad cause others were so good and then couldn't be bothered cause was just too tired. had dinner and watched convenant with the brother which was a waste of six dollars cause the show was like -___________- all skin and cute boys and pretty girls. reminded me of a l.j smith book made to movie kind of thing. then yesterday while doing the slide show, memories thought it would be fun to kind of shut off by itself, which it still is doing, and i'm this close to tearing my hair out. annnnddd my handphone also decided that it should go nuts, so it's switching off and on by itself too. banging it and dropping it does not help. at all. so i am contactless and possibly going bald cause i have not started my proposal too. ok breathe in.
planning, planning.
i can do this
yes i can
insya-allah

285

2006-11-07T22:58:00.000+08:00

it's just strange. now what? how do we move on from here? -____-
i'm tired but memories is not done so i say i sleep then wake up early. i hope i'd waked up early.
dad finally got me my hard disk space! yatta!
interview is done!
love love <3

284

2006-11-04T19:31:00.000+08:00

it's the simplest things that can make me happy. sms from sha on wed, from shu ting when she heard about the fall and arafah, who came to rescue me. it's the silliest things to, that my friends do that makes me happy, like tjan going oh my and then laughing to herself and her love affair with toilets, eating whopers and hanging out, and singing happy birthday in a ridiculous voice. it's these things that keeps me sane. i realised that i havent had a happy post in quite a while, so here is one. i'm fine and dandy, thanks to the loves <333

good luck to the cousin, wq and ili for the a's! it'll be over soon, JIA YOU

ryo's birthday was yesterday and yes tjan, i hope he spent it with those baka people too! hard disk shopping is mind boggling. sim lim square is like, crazy! so is giving out flyers! i swear ka man and i were just laughing through out. giving out flyers requires very thick skin.

watching tatta makes me want to cry and tear my hair out. the scene where he was on the bed with his brother and his brother leaned on him and listen to his heartbeat? LOVE
where he tried to win that orange thing for her? LOVE
where he held out his hand and she puts the orange thing and he smiled? LOVE
where he is willing to do anything for her, and the smile? LOVE
and kame looking so cool, while smoking? *MELTS BIG TIME*
oh sigh, i love tatta. it's corny and all but it makes me go awwwwww and then wish i had someone like the turtle by my side too

i heard k8's new song and i think they're saying woooo...chinatown but they pronounced it such that it sounds like woooo...vagina. I SWEAR
and ryo has a new haircut!

for no rhyme nor reason cept that he looks hot like this. x)

283

2006-10-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

i predict myself that i would be resentful, cranky and tired on wednesdays cause wednesdays are fucking long days which only ends at ten. it's raya but i dont feel like celebrating anymore. i dont understand my mood swings either so i hope you would be patient with me. if i keep quiet and not speak, i hope you'd understand. days like this happens to me often and i do not know why. blame pms, blame me, but this is it. i have bad days and good days and i wished he was here now. he wants to come over for raya and i cant say no. stupid people are kar-o-k-ing when i want to crawl into bed and shut off from the world. my heart feels heavy suddenly but i find peace being in the mosque. and talking about taking myself out from my comfort zone, welcome to the world of broadcast. i.am.so.out.of.my.league. this is freaking nuts. i just wished i wont end up as the one they laugh at when videos are showed. but i have to learn from this, views this in as much positive light as possible. so maybe it will build up my confidence and presentation skills. hopefully. wednesdays are going to suck.
):

282

2006-10-21T02:07:00.000+08:00

the bestie asked if everything was okay and i replied, yeah, he just smsed me. she meant if everything at home was okay, not about the boy. slap me please (:
thank you loves for asking, they've made up already so everything is ok back here. sorry about the worry <33

281

2006-10-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

watched little miss sunshine with zy yesterday. had a major problem at home but i'm hoping it will clear up. all this talk of possible divorces, it saddens me. if my parents were to split, i don't know how i will survive. i guess the main thing is that my brother and me will stay together. no matter how i tease him, threaten not to speak to him, beat him, he's still my brother. you have no idea how afraid i was to leave him at home yesterday. as much as i felt guilty, i wanted to go out to forget it all. i dreaded going back home and i hate playing the middle man. i just wish they would clear up the issue. now everyone is pretending it didn't happen. this month has been a bad month and it's sad cause it's suppose to be a good month. why must all this happen now? with raya coming up and all. i guess i'm just taking it day by day, playing it by ear. i feel as though i'm torn, right down the middle. i'm the neutral territory now and i hate it. cause i dont like the fact that just cause you're fighting, we have to be dragged into it. but it comes with the package of being a child right?
tension tension ):

280

2006-10-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

i left prayers with the most amazing feeling. i wanted to treasure it, to keep it, hold it close to my heart and to conserve it. i wanted to feel that way all the time. it started when they prayed in malay and i understood just what we were asking for, instead of the usual arab mumbo jumbo which i cannot decipher even if you put a gun to my head. we prayed for forgiveness and that we'll stay the hell away from hell. we prayed for our family, our friends, parents, teachers just about anybody you can think of. we prayed for goodness, for rezeki, for rahmat. i truly felt that allah is amazing then, that no matter what, the one thing that matters the most is HIM. then i felt bad cause i feel this way then but when i reach home, things will change. the feeling will be gone. so i should treasure it and think of it always. i feel protected and safe, that i lead the life i live. i'm truly blessed and i only have him to thank for. syukur, really honest to goodness syukur; that i am in this religion which teaches me right from wrong, where whatever i do, i will always be protected by prayers. cause there are prayers for every single thing that you do. eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, waking up, looking at the mirror. everything is started with a bismillah and ends with alhamdullilah. i should practice that. i should practice what i learned. but of course, saying is so much more easier then doing. and i hope that i just dont talk the talk, but walk the walk.
and i've made up my mind to try for UIA. it seems like the perfect choice now. i finally have a goal i can work towards to. insya-allah.
and it's the last ten days of ramadhan now and so far so good, i've fasted the whole way thorugh. i was so excited to learn that it's lailatul qadar too. (did i use the term correctly?!)
and hari raya is coming...and so is my basic theory. i still havent touched that book!
-
onto fangirling mode, i still get sad when i see jin. there is an overload of jin now that he really is going to be gone for good. i still expect it to be a joke but there you go, he's gone. there was this girl who wrote down exactly what i felt and i wanted to save it. i should save it. maybe i'll post it up here, then maybe i can understand why i feel this way. tjan and me both, we think that it's ridiculous that we feel this way but...sometimes, you just can't help it. i guess we have to ride the wave huh.
and kaman, reading your blog makes me feel unproductive! bleargh -___-

279

2006-10-15T01:55:00.000+08:00

to distract me from the depressing news of jin leaving, to study some more, which is utter crap, i played this game called MASH http://www.dollarshort.org/mash/
and i got this super duper perfect answer!

Your husband's name is ryo and you have 1 child. You're a singer who drives to work every day in a green suv.
It's truly a wonderful life when you consider the countless romantic nights you have spent with ryo in your shack in singapore.

278

2006-10-09T12:09:00.000+08:00

panic panic panic! oh no how how how?!
i hope it can be done in time! ((:
eeeppsss

277

2006-10-07T09:27:00.000+08:00

YAY YAY YAY!!!!
THEY ARE PLAYING LAGU RAYA ALREADY! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY

ok, i dreamt that dad died and i was crying so badly that when i woke up, i found out that i actually was crying..and promptly fell asleep again. like how freaky is that? i never had a dream like that!
sha! i hope you like the prezzie! and please, the price..it's uh...well, just smack arafah for that okay! hoho <3

276

2006-10-04T23:24:00.000+08:00

i feel very lost and aloof today. nothing interests me. i'm staring at a blank ps page, hoping for something but nothing, nothing at all. your name was mentioned in a prayer today. i saw an old friend and it made me smile, nothing changes with him. it still feels very comfortable and he still looks through my things. i might have gotten a job. the pay is not much but i keep telling myself it's for experience sake. the woman seems nice. someone talked about love actually. it makes me feel very christmasy. i love love actually. i wonder if my ankle will ever heal.
even ryo is not working his magic. oh no. and i'm sorry i havent posted at nhk. gimme a bit more time yeah. ):
oh cheer up

275

2006-10-04T09:44:00.000+08:00

it's something which is constant now. it feels like a roller coaster ride. i hope it stays and will never go away. but it's too early for that now isnt it? i think i ate bad cake yesterday. monday felt like old times (:
my hp is filled with smses now and i wonder if it's the same for him. is it only me? but all the waiting and waiting and waiting..
i just hope this will bring me some good

nhk?!<333

274

2006-09-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

)))))):
my ankle is the size of a freaking golf ball. paiiin paiinn paaaiiiiiinnnnn!!
)))):
sometimes the boy surprises me by smsing the smartest things and the next thing i know, he's telling me he doesn't know what tentatively means. i dreamt he drew circles on my palm.
my friends are gone taking photos at night and i'm all alone here! come back quick quick. dad's going to bring the laptop for a few days so i will be stuck with no internet access. luckily i have dvd's! why must they talk in photo jargon? i'm there pretending i understand when i have no clue what they talk about. they're going for a photog talk! a photog talk!
the photography monster has squashed their brains and infiltered into their minds. nvm, i shall be supportive, so to those two photog heads, JIA YOU! you still owe me my apple pie and ice cream
<333

where ryo realises he misses uchi

2006-09-28T10:48:00.000+08:00

It’s been five years now and things are still going strong. The relationship was still rocky but they understand one another better. They learned to compromise and give in. The ring still stayed firmly on his ring finger.
His career has skyrocketed too. K8 had achieved a modest amount of number one singles and albums and their concerts were a major success. They performed to a full house each time and the energy and support from the fans were overwhelming.
Even NEWS had rebounded from the temporary suspension. Their come back single, “Still Here” stayed on the Oricon Chart for at least a month and now, their fourth album is due to be released next week.

“I’m a lucky man”, he thought. Now at 27, he was still very much the same person as he was before. Mean tongue, wide smile, moley face and broken nose. He had matured more into his good looks and still retained the title of “Sexy Osaka Man”.
His last two dramas scored high ratings and his yet to be released movie was already garnering rave reviews from the critics. Now in the pipelines was talk of another solo concert and of course, concerts for both NEWS and K8.
“Yes, I am a lucky man.” He thought again.
“But why do I feel so hollow then? Like something’s missing?”
He had everything he could ask for. A girlfriend, a career, supportive friends and family. But yet..
“That’s cause he’s not here” a tiny voice said, coming from his heart.
And he knew then, that that was it.

Even now, after five years, Uchi is still not back. After all the hype, hope and promises, everything fell short. As the years passed, he gave up hope, bit by bit. He had not managed to keep in contact with him ever since he got suspended. He was too busy, then he met her and slowly, slowly, thoughts of Uchi kind of faded. What had been techni-coloured memories of him was soon reduced to a fuzzy black and white movie.
Until now. As he sat on the bench overlooking the sea, he felt a pang of intense of emotion. He realized he still missed the boy, very much so. He was only kidding himself when he thought he wasn’t. Thoughts of him flooded his mind and he felt just like the sea in front of him, all choppy and mixed up.
He thought he had kept the past well hidden, stuffing the memories into the deepest darkest corner of his heart, but he was wrong. He took a deep breath and brushed his palms against his cheeks, surprised at their dampness.

“There’s nothing I can do about it anymore.”

He stood up and jammed his hands into the pocket of his jeans, memories of Uchi stuffed back into its hole, right at the very bottom of his heart.

“I’ve got her to think about now.”
But the gold band, adorning his ring finger of his right hand felt like lead weight.

For the next three weeks, he tried to keep himself as busy as possible. He immersed himself into his work; planning for concerts, rehearsing for his next drama and spending time with her, his family and his friends. That episode on the beach still haunts him and he hopes that by tiring himself out with work, he will not miss Uchi too much. The feeling was becoming unbearable. He found himself comparing her to Uchi, though he wasn’t sure how that was possible. Each day, he fought the need to pick up his cell phone and send him a mail, to give him a ring, just to hear his voice on the other line. His plan to keep himself busy to forget Uchi seemed to work, if only for awhile.
He soon found himself on a three day break and he was unsure as to what to do with his time. His girlfriend was away, on a road trip with her girlfriends and most of the other members were back visiting their family. He chose to stay here in Tokyo, hoping that the busy city will swallow him whole with its noise and shiny neon lights. As he walked down the streets of Tokyo, he took in the sights around him. Teenage girls dressed up to the nines, giggling away with their friends, boys lounging around, cigarettes dangling coolly from their fingers and the harried working men and women, eyes downcast, walking fast to reach an unknown decision.
Here in the busy streets of Tokyo, he’s able to blend in. No one took a second glance at him, recognizing him as the idol, Nishikido Ryo. Of course, the cap jammed low on his head also helped to disguise him further.
He stopped in front of an idol shop where there, hanging by the window was an uchiwa of him. It was from the latest concert and he smiled, remembering that event. As he stared at the display, he realized that next to it, the shop owners had put an uchiwa of Uchi, from the Excite concert.
He was touched by that small gesture, that the store owner still had faith for his come back. He stood there for awhile, lost in his thoughts till someone bumped into him and moved on without saying sorry.
Shaking his head, Ryo continued on, but his hands fingered his cell phone, which was in the pocket of his jacket.

Back in his hotel room, he sat on one of chairs placed in the balcony. The view from his room was breath taking. He stared at the phone in his hand, playing with it, flipping it open and closing it again. Open, close, open, close, as he contemplated his next move. He stood up and rested his arms on the balcony railing, resting his head onto his arms.
“Just do it” the tiny voice in his heart said.

He straightened and flipped open his phone. Uchi’s number might have been deleted from his cell phone but he still knew the number. Slowly, he jabbed in the right digits and held his breath.
It rang, for the longest time and Ryo wished he hadn’t called. He was just about to hang up when the voice on the other line went “Hello, this is Uchi, who is that?”
“He-he-hello. Uchi? It’s me, Ryo.”

~

He sat waiting at a table by the window at the coffer place near his hotel. He was nervous. He kept fiddling with the sugar packets in front of him and placed one hand on his stomach. The contact of skin to skin comforted him a little. His eyes kept on darting to the door, waiting for someone to appear. He glanced at his watch strapped to his left wrist and realized that that person was already two minutes late.
“Stop being so paranoid already!” the voice in his heart said and he took a deep breath, in hopes that he would calm down. He started fiddling with his ring and stared at it, thinking if he should take it off. He was still contemplating his decision when he heard the jingle of bells placed on the door, to alert the shop owners that there was a customer. He looked up and his heart skipped a beat. Without thinking any further, he took of the ring and slipped it into his jean’s pocket.

He suddenly felt like a school girl on her very first date and realized that in a way, he was. He had not seen him for five years, and now, here he was. He stood up to greet his friend and held out his hand.
“Uchi” Ryo said.

Uchi just stood there, staring at Ryo as though he could not believe that he was there, right in front of him. Ryo was starting to feel uncomfortable under the intense scrutiny but held his ground. He began to think uneasily if this was a good idea. He was just about to speak when Uchi grabbed him and hugged him tight.

“Ryo..” He said.

Ryo was stunned. His arms dangled loosely at his side before he brought it around the younger man’s waist. He rested his head on his shoulders and breathed in that familiar smell of him. He felt tears gather in eyes and he squeezed them tight, not wanting to cry. After a while, he broke the hug and gestured for Uchi to seat.
The younger man settled his long frame into the chair; the table was small and underneath, their knees touched. Both of them smiled at the contact, thinking of happier times.

“So..” Ryo said, just as Uchi started to speak too.
With a laugh, he gestured at Uchi to start first. And once Uchi started to speak, the conversation just flowed. It felt so comfortable, being here with Uchi at the café by the sidewalk. He felt like himself. He still felt sorry that he was not able to keep in contact with him but the younger man had just brushed off his reasons, saying it’s okay, I understand.
They talked about everything and anything. What Uchi was up to- he had graduated from university with honours and is now working at a major advertisement firm- the latest movie and music, if Uchi still wanted to come back to the entertainment scene, which the younger man can only shrug, saying he doesn’t know and about their friends.
They sat there for long hours, ordering more coffee and snacks and laughing and in that period of time, thoughts of his girlfriend were gone.
Uchi still looked the same, though his eyes were more guarded and he wasn’t as skinny as before. He still had that slightly royal look, thanks to blue blood running through his veins and he still retained that same sense of humour.

“I missed you. It was so difficult at first, but I learned to cope with it. Seeing you now...” Uchi said and smiled tentatively, “Seeing you now, I feel happy, like a part of me is fulfilled.”

Ryo didn’t know what to say in response to that so he smiled, reached across the tiny table and intertwined his fingers with his long ones. He looked at the young man and saw the need in his eyes. He recognized that look of desire and he nods his head, knowing that Uchi understood that gesture. Quietly and slowly they stood up from the table and headed to his hotel, fingers still intertwined.

~

He stood up to get dress to get coffee for both of them, when he felt something under his feet. Bending down, he realized that it was the ring. He stared at it, stunned and realized that, he had cheated on her. He suddenly felt as though he had made a huge mistake. He turned to look at the younger man lying on the bed with the rumpled sheets and thought “Fuck, what have I done?”
He quickly dressed, stuffed the ring back into his pocket and grabbed his phone. He left a note for Uchi and walked out the door.

He suddenly felt suffocated with emotions and his head was swimming. He felt dizzy and had to bend down, to get the blood rushing back to his head. He stayed in that awkward position for a long time, taking deep steady breaths. Once he felt that he was better, he straightened and started to walk. He had just reached an empty park when his cell began to vibrate. He picked it up without looking at the i.d. It was her.

“Hey baby, I just called to let you know that I’m on my way back. Can’t talk now cause the reception is really bad. I hope you can hear me. I’ll see you soon, and baby, I have great news! Love you loads.” She hanged up without him being able to get a word in. Normally he would have been pissed but looking at the circumstances now, he doesn’t think he has the right too.

He sat heavily on one of the park benches and hung his head. What have I done? The initial joy was now replaced with the feeling of extreme dread. He had not told Uchi about her nor had he told her about him. He took out the ring and stared at it. It glinted in the sunlight and he remembered his promise to her, “I’ll never leave.” He let out a roar of frustration, scaring a few kids who were playing nearby and he rammed his fingers through his hair. He felt at lost now. He picked up his phone, wanting to call someone to share his problems with but he realized he couldn’t. This was his mess; he will have to clear it up by himself. He waited for that tiny voice from his heart to tell him what to do next, as it had before, but the voice was strangely quiet.
Frustrated and angry with no resolve in mind, he stood up, to get coffee from across the road, slipping the ring back onto his finger.

~

Uchi woke up and stretched. He reached for Ryo but was surprised that his side of the bed was empty. He sat up and realized that Ryo was gone. Then he spied the note, which was left on the bed stand next to him

I have to leave. Wait for me.

He did not even bother to leave his name! Uchi thought with disgust. He stood up and gathered his clothes. Once he was dressed, he called room service and patiently waited for Ryo, sitting at the chair placed by the balcony, which offered a breath taking view of Tokyo.

It had been several hours now but Ryo was still gone. He was bored. He had dialed Ryo’s cell a couple of times but to no avail. He had already read the papers delivered to the room along with his breakfast, cleaned up the bed and tidied up the room. He switched on the TV, thinking that he could waste some time watching cartoons. He was channel surfing when the news bulletin caught his attention.
“Oh no, it can’t be!” He thought and rushed out of the room, with the TV still on.

The scene of the accident was complete and utter chaos. The red and blue light from police cars and ambulances flashed constantly. Curious onlookers gathered at the sides, wanting to know what had happen and there was a traffic jam, as officials tried to clear away the debris. Uchi’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, his imagination going astray.

“Please let him be okay, please let him be ok, please god.” He prayed. He fought his way through the crowd to get a better view of the accident and his heart sank.
“There’s no way he could have survived that.” He thought.

He grabbed the first official he saw and demanded details. Once he found out which hospital Ryo was sent too, he quickly made his way down, his fingers furiously dialing numbers of people he knew.

All of them waited bleakly by the hospital corridor. Members of NEWS and K8 were there, along with Jin, Kame and a girl he did not recognize. Ryo’s family was rushing down from Osaka and would be here soon. They were surprised to see him, hugging him, but they were more concerned with the person who was in the operating theatre.
A policeman came to give them details of the accident. He was crossing the road to get to the shop at the opposite side and did not notice the incoming car. The driver was not able to break in time and had hit him. The sudden brake by the car had caused another car to hit the car that had hit Ryo. When paramedics found him, he was unconscious but still alive. They rushed him to the hospital, where he was being operated still. The drivers of the two cars escaped without any major injuries.

“”We found this on him.” The policeman said and took out a small plastic case. In it was a gold band. There was an audible gasp from the girl and she began to cry. Great, heaving sobs that shook her entire body. Yamapi held her close and tried to comfort her. No one was left with a dry eye. The policeman left the grieving group and gave the plastic case to Yamapi.

Not long after, the doctor appeared from the operating theatre, his operating gown stained with blood.
“Ryo’s blood” Uchi thought.
The doctor stood in front of the group, not saying anything. And everyone knew then, without a doubt, that Ryo was gone.
“I’m sorry.” The doctor said, “I tried my best.”

~

It has been over a year now and he still misses Ryo. The pain was so acute. He had found his love only to lose him again. He headed down to his grave and realized that there was a girl standing in front of it. In her arms was a small child. He recognized her as the girl from the hospital, though he did not have a chance to talk to her since then.
He stood beside her, closed his eyes and muttered a prayer. His hands reached out to touch the smooth marble of the headstone and placed a single flower. Both of them stood there, sharing the grief.

Finally, he spoke up “You miss him?”
“Every single day.” She replied, her voice thick with emotion. Her eyes shone with unshed tears and he wondered who this girl was to Ryo. He noticed a gold band around her ring finger and another, which she wore around her neck.
“Is he yours?” He asked, reaching out to ruffle the boy’s hair. He was only a few months old, but yet, there was something familiar about him. He looked strangely like…

“Yeah. He’s ours. I wanted to tell him that I was… that I was pregnant, but he left.” And this time, tears spilled from her almond shape eyes, staining her cheeks with their dampness.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” And she turned away, cradling the child in her arms.

Uchi stood there, stunned. He watched the girl walk away, her long hair swaying across her back.
The child was Ryo’s? He turned around to face the grave and realized that the one person that could have given him an answer, was gone.

“That was why he had to leave.” Uchi thought. He stood staring at the grave and realized that he could not conjure up any emotion, did not know how to react. He was numb all over but he knew that he did not regret his short lived time spent with him. Those were memories he will forever keep. Forever and always.

white band

2006-09-27T02:57:00.000+08:00

It was a simple band made from white gold. A circle full of trust and love. They say, buying a ring is a sign of commitment, that you are willing to forever be, together.
He remembered that saying now as he played with the ring, twisting it with his thumb. It adorned his ring finger of his right hand. He stared at it wistfully then had half a mind to throw it away.

The relationship with her could only be best described as a rocky one. There were moments of intense love and extreme anger. Their relationship could never be described as being placid; it was a constant roller coaster ride. As the months passed, he found it more and more difficult to put up with her tantrums, her needs. He thought he could handle it, but he was wrong. He wondered when it was that he began to feel this way, but found that he could not bear to find out. He just wanted it all to end. He could not take the stress, juggling both a career as an entertainer and being in a relationship with her. He decided then, as he sat on the swing of the empty playground that something had to go. And it wouldn’t be his career.

He recalled their last argument, one that had taken place just a few hours ago. He shook his head, thinking of the petty argument. They were so silly. He did now know why he kept on hurting her the way he did. It just seems so ridiculous now.
As he contemplated the thought of leaving her, he realized how foolish a move that will be. As much as she frustrated him, she brought him joy too. A feeling that he hadn’t felt for a long time, not since…

“I should go apologize” he thought, though he wasn’t sure as to why he had too. He stood up, getting ready to leave when he heard his name being called from behind.
“Ryo” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“I was just about to go find you.” He said.

She took the few steps that would lead her to him. “I just wanted to, apologize. I’m sorry”
She stood before him, her eyes firmly locked into his. He couldn’t help but look away. Even now, he was struck by her beauty, his heart still pounded fast, like the first time he saw her. He still felt shy around her.

He wanted to reach out, to stoke her hair, to say it’s ok, I’m sorry too, but what came out instead was “Oh, is that it?”
He mentally gave himself a smack on his forehead. “Could I be even more stupid?”
He didn’t think he could bare to see the hurt that would be reflected in her eyes so he turned around, wanting to walk away.
“You stupid idiot” He chided to himself.

He nary took a few steps when he felt her arms snake across his waist, her head resting on his back. She had done that one thing, that one thing which she knew would make his knees go all jelly like; she had hugged him, hard, from behind.
“Don’t go. Please, don’t go”
He could hear the hurt in her voice, the pleading tone. He bit his lip and stared straight ahead. Then he felt her lips press softly to the back of his neck. He closed his eyes to savor the feeling and rested his hands on hers. He knew then that no matter what, this was worth holding on too.
He unclasped her arms from around his waist and turned, gathering her into his arms.
Hugging her tight, he played with her hair, curling one long strand around his finger.
“I’ll never leave” he promised.
And he looked at the simple band around his finger, forever and always.

i feel better, i guess after retyping this out. i had it for awhile (:

271

2006-09-26T23:45:00.000+08:00

finally managed to go terawih today. now ramadhan will be complete! looking at the situation here, i understand why my cousin hopes to settle in syria one day. it's a completely different environment there. i guess you can say that they embrace islam more, it's a way of life. here, even though you are a malay, you might not be practicing the religion you are born into. i'm not saying that i'm the perfect muslim, i do have my moments but i give it a go, i try. sometimes it's sad to see malay youths, is it any wonder why i kind of detest malay-malay? but sometimes even people like that surprise me. i met a girl once at an interview and her appearance was, well. as in, one glance and i thought oh boy, here we go again, but she surprised me. she married young but she married under the best of intentions. she's not afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself. she refuses to be prejudiced. i found myself kind of respecting her. she might not have much of an education but she managed to find jobs that were able to sustain her till now. i guess it pays to have street smarts too.

i realised that i dont know much about life. i am not exposed to alot of things. i still think that everyone has a family that they can count on, cousins that can make you laugh and smile and friends who will support you all the way. there are those that dont have all that. they have to work their butts off just to support themselves. they come home to ungrateful parents who could not care less about them. they are lonely and alone and they have no one to turn too. makes me cherish what i have here. but sometimes i take them for granted. i thank god for what i have and i hope and pray that i wont end up in such devastating situations. i feel sorry for people in those kind of situations but after a while, what can i do? feeling sorry for them will not make things any better. i wonder how they survived and how they will turn out in the future. i hope they learn from past experiences and move on.

will you ever betray your bestfriend? or will you forever be loyal? standing by her side no questions asked. i guess that's why nana struck a chord with me. it's that loyalty, that feeling knowing that no matter what, she has your back and you have hers. that absolute certainty.

i dont know, i guess i'm just feeling weird. poly's going to end soon, madrasah is ending this year and then what? i never really thought this far. i worried about the o's and now i worry about uni. it's a huge step. dad's not being very supportive and i guess it's cause he refuses to find out more about the course, thinking that oh it's just this and that. i'm at fault for not letting him know more but i'm never the type to talk about school to them. sure i might say that i directed a programme but sometimes their lack of interest just kinds of, burns. i guess that's why i dont talk much about school. he thinks it's easy, he assumes that it is and i dont need the constant reminders of having to do well. i dont need him yakking at the back, as though making me regret my decision of going into cmm. he bloody well wanted me to go into some fucked up chemical engineering thing but i refuse. i mean, there are people who did that and ended up being teachers. what's the point then? and i dont care if my cousins got into uni and i dont. okay i might mull over it for awhile but hello, get over it. he shouldnt fucking care either. it's not some status game okay. gaaaahhh
now i'm all worked up.
i already know i cant afford to study overseas and it's sad to think that he wont pay for that. if i do want to continue, i have to pay for it for myself. i'm envious of people who have parents who will pay for their education overseas. but i guess it's not fair to them either. there is still my brother to think about and the house and the bills and the other small tiny things. and i'm wondering if i can even afford to go to japan at this point of time. money sucks. we should just go back to barter trade. then i can exchange my bed for a trip to japan or some crap like that.

now i feel fucking down! god sometimes writing sucks!

270

2006-09-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel so detached, like i cant be bothered to care about anyone or anything. reading seems like a chore. hady won singapore idol, good for him. i actually voted for him once. heh
my cousin must be jumping around like mad! i thought it would be jon due to the fact that taufik won the last one but well, i hope he makes us proud.
ankle is much better, thanks kaman for the sms (:
i just iced it till it got frozen and atuk poured some magic water over it. i swear the swelling came down after the first time! and oh, cancel the bit about no one translating his j-webs, it's up now though it's super uber short! apparently the turtle went to the salon! new hair cut! wonder how that will look like
lalalalalalala
tjan, just disappear lah k. what time do you come online?!! gaaaaahhh

269

2006-09-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

i busted my ankle today. there was a cyclist behind me who saw me fall but he didn't even offer to help! i think he was stunned to see me trip. gaaaahhh. so my right foot is all swollen now and it sucks cause i had to miss terawih. i'm limping all over the house. not sure how i'm going to go to madrasah tomorrow. i'm trying not to make a big deal out of it but the thought of walking and wearing a pair of jeans just pains me. ):
went out with kaman yesterday (: i tried mooncake and some weird jelly wasabe thingy. not a big fan of both but at least i can say i tried! (:
i love love love the fish thingy though! that one is super duper delicious. now i want one more! but fasting month is coming up and eating that thing cold is not nice.
wasted my time again trying to find a job. grrrr. i ended up going to tamp to get breakfast for my brother and me. everything is not working out for me this month! the tuition, the shop, now this. why jennifer why?! was pretty down about the job thing but hey, better things to worry about right.trying to be positive here. i hope my ankle gets better soon!
and i swear no one is translating ryo's j-web entries! cause that was translated by this girl called helen but she's going all diva now. i mean, share the j.e love already! stop being so prissy. baaah

i dont wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid

268

2006-09-21T12:41:00.000+08:00

watching love actually always leaves me in a very christmasy mood! all that love, dont know why tjan doesn't love that show. that show is awesome like wow okay (:
just read about the thailand coup in the papers this morning. i feel very excited! i never knew about past military coups before so now that one is happening, i intend to fully follow it! of course the people who are affected might not be feeling the same way but well, i'm safe here. hopefully.
i still cant belive that mom can be so selfish; not wanting my cousin to go overseas to pursue a job opportunity, citing reasons that my grandma and her will miss him like mad. which is complete and utter bullshit. i am all out for him to go, but ultimately, the decision is in his hands. opportunities like this should not be passed up. it's for his own future, he should go. i hope he goes. no point in staying here.

"god only knows how i feel about you...god only knows"

//edit: how many times have i changed skin this month? sheesh. super simple, background is a texture taken from a website here

267

2006-09-20T11:06:00.000+08:00

i am a bitter girl because everyone is locking up thier fan-girling entries. where am i going to get my j.e crack from?!!!
baaaahhhhh

266

2006-09-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

today was spent at the madrasah as usual, hanging out and the day ended with us at the bus stop contemplating the future. i've known em, specially the butterfly miss for six years now and they have been a constant, every week, for the past six years, meeting up for a few hours of classes and laughter. to think that next year will come and i wont be seeing them anymore is, strange. i'll miss them definitely but they have their own plans, and well, i guess i have mine.
everyone is moving forward, no one is going to be stuck here. and a new year will bring new things, new adventures. what are the highlight this year? shanghai i suppose, my birthday, as always and the friends. i crack my brains but there's nothing. everyone has something and what do i have? zero, zilch. how am i suppose to compete with them? they are so much more ahead and i'm left behind. it didnt bother me before but this thought has been at the back of my mind, nagging at me. i'm glad i have this journal as it's a place of memories. what had happened, thoughts, feelings. that i can select certain periods of time where i'm the most happy, most sad, anything and everything. read it and weep, cringe, smile.
weird fantasies. why must the boy be so confusing? to quote "then now you know me as a boy who you don't know. that's a good start" how am i suppose to answer that? so i went, "yeah i guess" please, no sane people right?
and now i'm scared, what if i'm not in the same class as the lovelies? what if i have to face sem 2 all alone. sigh. i'm so used to sitting at home and laughing that the thought of school is like, a monster, lurking just around the corner. for some reason, tp seems like a far away place, it seems like eons ago since i last step foot there. oh baaaahhh.
but i still have a month no? days are passing by so fast.

on the other hand, i got a whole list of ryo's solo and hearing his chibi voice and his voice now is much love. "i miss you toonniiggghhtttt, howw long, must i wait forr youu.."
killing the english pronounciation, but cute nonetheless. why jennifer why?
i dont know how to end this! i love papparazzi shots.

oh look at the smiles and shiny faces ((:

265

2006-09-14T10:40:00.000+08:00

i dreamt that sha could drive. she was driving me to the airport? cant remember. i was suppose to leave for russia for a month and i had not packed a single thing. she was mad at me in the dream and i was confused as to why she was feeling that way. she drove really slowly though. it was a black car. i was going to russia for a month for pete's sake! pfffftt
and i got a b for french! who would have thought that?

264

2006-09-12T15:50:00.000+08:00

because sometimes, the harder you try, the more difficult it seems to get to that one elusive thing.
sometimes it's better to just take a seat back and forget about the things that had happened or will happen. i guess it's because it's a lazy afternoon and i realised i have way too many pics of ryo in my lappie. i dreamt of kanjani and how they kept leaving a space fit for one person to indicate that uchi is coming back. have i mentioned that i hate ryo's new hair?
i'm sure imf will be just fine, don't worry about it. just do you best k *hugs*
and getting married so fast? it's scary how fast we cross the line, to embrace a new future.
i know she will most probably be the first among the three of us, but now?! that's like...
imagining her as a wife and thinking of the ridiculous times we shared, it's almost nostalgic.
but it's not really confirmed yet is it? everyone's growing up, moving on. if only time does not exist.
the need to find a job is not that bad now though i have tons of things to save for.
i'm suppose to pay for my own license and save up for japan. that's like, more then 5k. as zy said, i might have to resort to eating grass for the next one year. even then, i'm not even sure if i have enough money. all this talk about me acting my age, how i'm suppose to act more 18, if there ever is a way too, is beginning to get on my nerves. give me a break and let me be. sometimes i dont want to leave the comfort zone but i know i have to, to test myself. see what sort of person i can be. i have to start somewhere i guess.

i just got the driving book from my cousin last night. that thing is a bore. thank god there are pictures. pfffffft
man boobs ((:

263

2006-09-12T00:39:00.000+08:00

i am about this close to tearing my hair out trying to figure out the layout for lj
patience nad, patience. baaahhh
can't believe it came on my last day!
and hang ten! hang ten!
pfffft

262

2006-09-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

because yellow ranger is love ((:

sometimes i wonder what it is that i get myself into. all the different situations and all. here's to a good day ahead.

cheers <3

261

2006-09-11T01:37:00.000+08:00

okaaayyy..i did not draw the sheep. i'm not that talented. hoho
sheep was taken from google! who rocks above yahoo.

260

2006-09-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

i love my blog skin can! yellow ranger is love. hoho.
as usual, skin best viewed in 640x480
it sucks when seen in other resolutions
lalalalalalalal
off to the kenduri!

259

2006-09-08T01:23:00.000+08:00

i think i'm getting old. i get tired before two! -_-
ick.
what's going on?
fishing fishing!
the kino thingy was like pfffftt can? the shortest trip ever to town. i'm going to be jobless and broke.pish posh

258

2006-09-06T21:59:00.000+08:00

on errr, can't exactly remember the date, three weeks ago i think, my cousin got married to a lovely young lady. he's now back in syria and the girl i think is studying in kl. very long distance huh.

the girl is very nice and she seems quite comfortable around us. seems to fit in well, which is good (:

it also rained on the day of their wedding! but it only lasted a while.

hoho. what's up with me and photos today? oh wells, here's the cousin, cause she's just too cute!

257

2006-09-06T21:19:00.000+08:00

hey ho! the boy smsed (:
anyways, on monday, we celebrated my birthday!
look at all the shaky shots!

then we tried again to take a group photo, but ...

zy kept getting cut off. so have to settle for this. can you see her there at the back? hoho

love em loads! the rest of the piccttuurreessss

they got me that brooch! hoho.

had lunch at secret receipe first where we had two cakes! it was just me tjan and kaman and they sang me a birthday song but i didnt manage to make a wish cause i accidentally blew out the candle. but oh wells, wishes schmises. then we washed devil! meryl streep is super good and anne hattaway has lovely eyes. all i love were the shoes though! shoes shoes shoes! watched it again just now with the bestie.

anyway, then we met up with chong2 and rara and we shopped around before dinner. dinner was a bunch of laughs! and who would have thought that pizza was so filling! yummy goodness i tell you! couldnt have spent the day with a better bunch of people. so many cancelled out but thank goodness for them! <33

and tjan, THE NOTE! i will kill you the next time i see you i swear! ((:

so, this is the birthday post. next will be the wedding post!

256

2006-09-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! ((:
have i mentioned i love birthdays? i love gifts! lol
but i hate myself for looking forward to your sms. stupid boy. stop getting my hopes up already.

oh no! can't go fishing already! why why why! i wanna go fishing! paaaaahhhh

i got lovely ryo icons from tjan and niko! uwaaaaa nice nice!
and a bag and a storybook from the bestie
*hugs and kisses*

I STILL WANT TO GO FISHING. STUPID PLACE.OPEN EARLIER GOD DAMMIT!

i find it so strange. i expect some things to feel different, or maybe i'll grow taller or my hair will grow longer but everything feels the same cept i feel happy when i see the date. heh
today was spend eating lunch with the family, having pie and then hanging out with the bestie. sometimes we talk about random things, most of the time actually, but we end up dreaming too. i like the familiarity of it all already (:
too bad sha had to work! why sha why! hoho
and the fact that i've only known my poly mates for a year only but they are so so much love!
((:

nadzirah HAPPY!
syukur for the past 18 years, i hope i'll live to see the next 18. i never thought i'd see 18 back then. but well, here i am. <3
the boy has 18 minutes left. at this rate, i dont think it'll happen lah k. pfffftttt

KA MAN ARE YOU BACK HOME ALREADY?! ((:

//edit: oh shit nasir just called and he said giant and i heard the complete opposite and i thought it was the boy and then i fainted and then i died cause dad woke up and i dont know if he heard what i said! omg! panic for a while there can?!
paaahhhh, i'll just sleep on it and hope it'll be better soon (:

255

2006-09-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

hey ho let's go!
just got back from birthday dinner. i love birthdays! makes me feel loved ((:
and it also means people remember you on that day! hoho <3
lalalalalalala
thanks tjan for my sexy osaka man! *hugs* i want more i want more!
mom and dad bought me a wallet! nice nice, and it comes with money too! *rubs hand with glee*
will be going for a kino interview with denise on tues, i hope i get it! i need a job! really!
bah,this is such a pointless entry! (:

254

2006-08-31T01:37:00.000+08:00

so dad and mom just came home and i fought with dad. apparently i have to change my way of dressing and i got so fuming mad. bah! waterworks always always happens when i fight with him. i dont know why! with my mom, i'll always smile but with dad, i'll cry.
so i'm really tired and my eyes hurt. pish posh. and my stupid fish is smart! apparently it arranged the stones in a way that he has his own little corner. dont know how far true this is so i shalll purposely mess up the stones tomorrow and see what happens! hahaha

uhhh...there's like practically a ryo pic in every post now but i can't resist this! hahaha
he totally looks like the character no?
and that;s jin in the spidey mask

//edit: spiderman photo from here http://murasaki-five.livejournal.com/

253

2006-08-30T09:41:00.000+08:00

everything is over and done for! hurrah! paper wasn't as bad as i thought it would be (:
oh pfft, on the list of things that i have to do is to get a job for the next two months. doesnt sound so appealing though. ick.
i wish i had something more substantial to write, but er, that's zilch. besides the fact that tjan saw chee ko pek, us channelling our inner ryo and screaming at one another from ten continents or a mountain apart, everything has been pretty much the same. OH! there was a mad man in front of the house yesterday! scared me half to death. he was just standing outside and looking in and i was praying so hard that he wont come in cause the gate was unlock and the door was wide open! thank god he left after awhile.
so many random thoughts were in my head while he was standing outside. what if he came in and did something? or what if he just stood there and never left? pffftt. scary shit!

i got another ryo picture! yaaaayyyyy! (X

he so totally looks like jin here! i'm guessing it's the thumb in the mouth thing (:

tried to find a picture of jin doing the same thing but paaahhh, enough of looking at pretty boys already. i had a ryo overdose yesterday. same nose, same pose, same hands shoved into the pocket of jeans. made my day though. isn't it scary how a lovely picture can make my day. i need a life. hoho good luck for the rest of your papers! (:

252

2006-08-28T14:35:00.000+08:00

i cant believe that it's two already. two thirty in fact. where did the morning go?! i'm still not done for film. better start soon! or better still, right now! oh pahhh

251

2006-08-28T01:31:00.000+08:00

jin and maru are just the sweetest! patiently teaching down syndrome kids how to dance (:
i wonder what the parents feel like, having to raise kids with down syndrome. it must be difficult. i admire those who have (:

250

2006-08-27T10:17:00.000+08:00

omg shit i feel so helpless for film! i think i need to watch the movies again but there's no time! baahhh. i can do this, yes i can! ((:

248

2006-08-26T03:20:00.000+08:00

the word is suppose to say trust, but i guess it's too small. i'm obsessed with making icons now but they are all so ugly! hang me prease. film is on tues and yet, i'm twiddling thumbs. bmr was -_- dont think i'll fail but... sssshhh better not say anything. (:
i received a batch that said kepercayaan, the word seemed to mock me. trust.
and omg, 5k bedsheets? i will sleep on the floor can?

dan gua bilang lu ah,lu blajar tinggi tinggi okay? only the cousin can put up with this crap <3

248

2006-08-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

i have an entire row of her pictures in my handphone and camera! i swear, i have not met anyone who likes to take silly photos as much as her! (:

padam pam pam! tomorrow's the first paper than it's one more to go and than it's horrraaayyyyy! however, i'm still pretty much slacking. i dont have that oh shit feeling. though i think i might have lost my ez link card which would suck big time. oh pfffttt
i realised i havent really been chatting. no wonder i have this inane urge to talk to complete strangers. -_-
staying home for too long makes me fat and lazy. i should start going out more often. and studying at home is so not productive! i keep procastinating and when i do sit down, i sit down for an hour than take a two-hour break. thank god i'm almost done! lalalalalalalala
where arreeee yooouuuuuuuuu?
and who's the smart person who decides to study at 5.30 in the morning at macdonalds? the bestie. pfffttttt. i wonder sometimes! am i the only sane person?
dad said ryo's ugly! like hellooo...no way!

i love the photo. i wonder where he got the ring! he's been spending so much! the necklace, the watch the ring. so rich uh? oh welllssss. happy happy
and i love love love the suit pi's wearing!
the streaks make him look so like golf and mike though
kimu was added in to fill up the gap. hahahahah
bang
icks
(:

247

2006-08-23T11:46:00.000+08:00

suffice to say i dont want to remember yesterday. i got confused and mixed up and i guess, i'll just let things be. i knew something bad was going to happen if i poked my nose into things. i listened to his side and i know my mom's side and let's just leave it at that. i dont want things to blow up all over again. at least it's good that i met up and talked with him.
i love days alone at home (:

245

2006-08-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

urgh! for some reason the alignment is all out of place! the skin looks so weird and ugly now! stupid blogger. it refuses to publish the changes! grrr
on the other hand

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!
you're 18, you're healthy, you're happy
have a great day ahead!
xoxoxo

245

2006-08-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

i realise that my blog can seem well, quite impersonal. my name didnt appear anywhere before, theres hardly a tagboard and i dont write anything to introduce myself. i guess i always assumed that no one reads what i write about. but i guess there are people out there who do. hugs and kisses to you (:
i still cant quite bring myself to say anything else more, i'm just another person out of a billion who owns a blog. oh wells.
<3

244

2006-08-18T02:24:00.000+08:00

what a way to start a new day! ((:

243

2006-08-16T19:57:00.000+08:00

and you ask what is it that i want and i honestly say i have no idea. i'm clueless as to what i want. surprise me? (:
today was spend screaming around in empty cinemas, finding the right cinema and then walking around aimlessly. sea monkeys is love. it's all about faith and beliveing and never giving up hope.
i dont think i can read another report on another another cause i think my heart will break and i'll tear my heart out. i dont know why i'm consumed by this feeling but it's just there and i dont know if it will go away. just bear with me while i scream out my frustrations at not being able to have the means nor the ways for being there. i just yearn so much that sometimes it scares me cause i am not used to feeling this way. i need to focus my attention on something else but for the time being, all is a blank. i'm just floating around with no direction and purpose as everything is over, at least for now. just leave me be and i'll be fine soon enough.
everything will fade in due time and all that will be left is dust. let the dust settle down and the world will echo, alone with its loneliness. i dont know. i really dont know (:
cause i'm just writing down what i'm feeling, what i feel like saying. so thoughts are just jumbled up and random and i feel so uneasy inside. something is missing, something is not right.
do you belive in instinct? that one moment where the heart and the mind actually agrees on something and you act on it, only to realise that you were wrong?
what if you were right? do you than rely on purely instinct only? how will you lead your life?

i wanna live in a bubble so fragile and so alone, floating away on the passing wind. no control over where i will float, leaving it all to to fate. why live under pretenses? is there something going on that i dont know anything about? oh sigh.
and at times i wonder if i really know myself. outside and in. am i so confident of where i stand? of where i belong? oh fuck it all to the sky.
let's just worry when the time comes. i have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow either. maybe something will happen that will change the way i view life. like huh right.

all these girls writing down what they would feel/do if they met ryo and i'm thinking, wtf? are you delusional? are you for real? some say they will faint laugh scream cry ask for autographs but when they do meet him, if they REALLY DO MEET HIM. do you think they will do what they just wrote down? fans boggle my mind. they really do. all the weird quirks and habits, but sigh, i'm one too no?
i just want it all to pass. i want to be in the apartment with a lovely view.
my heart just refuses to settle down. how come i dont come across as being happy in my blog?
):

242

2006-08-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

this desktop will be the death of me. i want my lappie back! ):
tjan, do mail me the script for the radio drama yeah (:

something's missing. if only i knew what.
it's a random cycle. am i suppose to have aimless episodes like these every month?

241

2006-08-08T01:25:00.000+08:00

finally after so long kaman and i caught pirates! god that movie is a bunch of laughs. johnny depp is perfect for that role. always swaying around and acting drunk. it was more like a comedy than anything else. i love it!
finally bmr is over. left with audio and multicam and freaking french. horrid week part 2 will be over soon! wed's national day! i feel so unpatriotic. remember how during sec school days there will always be celebrations and what not? i miss those days. hanging out in the hall and making fun of the performers on stage (:
managed to copy nana into my laptop where it will forever stay. chong chong better come over to watch it with me! and fireworks on sun was love. i love fireworks though the view sucked on that day. we were peering through a small gap between the trees. they really should chop it down or something like that. i prefer ndp firework's though. those are big and loud. but the fireworks festival was awesome too. cant wait for the next two shows!
i feel abit worried that i'm slacking. but there is not much work to be done also, so it's okay if i take a teeny weeny break no? better start writing script for french though. why did i take this cds again? god i hope i dont have to retake the cds. i really really hope he accepts our project. pffffttttt

240

2006-08-06T22:22:00.000+08:00

oh fuck just realised that our french project hasnt been uploaded. likeohshitfuckitdamnbad!
aiyah. should check school email more frequently. this sucks fucking bad.
i dont know if i was just tired or i'm really sick but i slept a whole bunch today. oh wells. panadol works magic and nana is awesome. ihavenomoodtoblog. shit man. how?

239

2006-08-04T03:27:00.000+08:00

crazy week is over! hooray hooray!
i think i got high on cookies just now. lol. blame the brother. and i didnt have dinner and i realised i dont drink a lot
which is bad
tjan quickly do faster can! tired already! and ryo broke/fractured/sprained his pinkie. and he looks evil now adays. maybe he was just afraid of blood. it looked mummified. oh god. i cant typer properly. i'm brain dead. cause i am shameless, yesterday was one more month to my birthday. so it makes it what 30? 29? days from now? hahahahahah
cookkiee moonnsstteerrrrr
hahahaha i randomly called bestie and asked her how many brains do we have. and i threatened to read my film paper to her! hahahaha
majide? honto!
i. need. sleep.
TJAN QUICK LAH
hahahaha

238

2006-07-31T22:15:00.000+08:00

oh god. was i so fucking pissed.
hanged out with my mommy today. hoho.
we caught lake house, which was kind of a confusing movie but who cares cause there's keanu and sandra bullock. and i had kenny rogers which is always good and i bought stuffs. which looks kind of strange to me now. oh wells. all in good time

237

2006-07-31T02:28:00.000+08:00

hot damn! i just finished watching gone with the wind. that movie is super long but is chokeful with everything. i hope i can write 12 bloody pages on it. which i should start doing soon. and french is due this week. luckily our multicam is next, else i'd die from the pressure! okay randomness of it all (:

236

2006-07-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

i suddenly have the urge to pack up and leave. to stay in a country with cool seasons and friendly people. i suddenly want to go back to perth. i want to live on my own with friends and knowing that i have full responsibility. i want all these, and more. if only i have the money and the means. and i'm jealous that they have the opportunity to do just so. that i am still stuck here with super hot weather, with not much chance of ever escaping overseas. but if i do get the chance, then i think i will be scared shitless. no safety net, no comfort zone. a whole new adventure.
but it's good to go beyond the borders that is set around me. maybe i'll surprise myself. who knows? i just want to fast forward to the future. i want to see, if only a glimpse what i'll be like, what things will be like two years from now. when we've all graduated. what happens then? what comes next after life in poly? suddenly the future does not seem so exciting. oh pppffffftttt

235

2006-07-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

reading her blog entries always leaves me reeling and wishing that i can write like her. to be so random about everything, but able to put your point across. reading about film noir is going to become a huge headache. and i do feel happy being able to see my chee ko pek. i dont know how to explain it, but i do (: and he's in law and that's that. and i feel so full, i've been eating like no one's business. and i read blogs and they complain about sec school and workload and i feel smug cause i know that that is so behind me already. no more waking up at six, to copy homework, to do this to rush that. but i value the experience and i'm here now and that's all that matters. taking a trip down memory lane, i 'm thankful for the friends that lasted up till now. those that i met along the way, but lost, and those that i gained, as i go even ahead. look how far all of us have come now. and the only thing waiting for us now is death. there are times when i feel too scared to fall asleep cause i fear that i will not wake up tomorrow. so i say a prayer and hope that i'll be awake to see another day.
times spend together is love. but who will remain, ten years from now?

oh mr sun, sun
mr golden sun
please shine down on me

2006-07-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

blogger is fucked up outside in and inside out. there goes my post.
pffffttttttt
i shall re-do it again soon enough, i guess

233

2006-07-23T02:51:00.000+08:00

woo hoo! happy birthday to the bestie! hoped you had fun yesterday ((:
-
well i'm almost done with the designs though now i think it looks like an ad for pub crawling or some crap like that. i was so freaking pissed off at her for screwing things up for me. didnt even bother to mention it and now i have to suffer. i have to be up soon! grrr! and i spent a whole night. ultimately, i have to make some changes. if they are going to pick their crap over my crap then i'm gonna boycott the entire event. petty i know, but i refuse to go if the people dont trust me to handle my side of things. paahhh. all's done anyway. pish posh bang bang boom!
tjan, you cheered me up with the graphics!
quick quick club-box, download faster faster!

where's my nad?
she's right here (:

232

2006-07-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

my daddy's home,
and he bought me a camera! ((:

231

2006-07-16T00:12:00.000+08:00

it's times like this that i treasure most. hanging out, having aimless conversations and laughing at the most random things. i heart you guys bits to pieces and pieces to bits <333
standing there watching the fireworks, i marveled at the awsome-ness of it all. it feels as though they are coming on to you, ready to shower you with all their sparkle and dazzle.

and bestie, i know it's tough, and i know it's so cliche, but you have to be strong and be patient. it's just one of the many trials and obstacles that you have to go through. god's always testing the ones that he loves most, take that to heart k? all of us are here for you babe. you'll learn and you'll recover and heal, step by step. bit by bit. happiness is there, waiting for you just around the corner. if ever you feel down, give me call, you promised to take over the world with me remember? happy thoughts and monkey love. i heart you babe (:

seriously, i do not know what it would be like without all you amazing people
oh so emo ((:

trip to japan: 3 years time! start saving lovelies! climbing mount fuji, disney world, underwater world, hokkaido, hot guys hunting, ONE WHOLE MONTH!

230

2006-07-15T02:28:00.000+08:00

and we're all searching for that one elusive thing that is just out of grasp.
finally, a break from it all, a chance to regroup and charge up the batteries.
we're like robots going through the motions.
will we still be friends five years from now?
are you still free, to take over the world with me? (:

229

2006-07-13T18:15:00.000+08:00

neeehhhh, happy happy HAPPY!
cause the production went on smoothly, no major screw ups, awesome chemistry between the guest, who we owe big time and excellent excellent crew members. ((:
and we're done, at least for now. even bmr cant burst my bubble right now! hoho
i took a total of 8 buses today. the most number ever.

"we met on a beach at australia"
awesome awesome awesome. though we did a total of 6 takes and most probably tired our guest to the bone. superb job everyone! hahahahah. still cant shake the excitement off! and the eyeliner! they look like goth boys who got lost along the way. hoho